How To Get a Computer Nerd Into Bed  
Copyright (c) 1994, Joe DeRouen
All rights reserved



        How To Get a Computer Nerd Into Bed
                       <Or>
        What To Do When The Chips Are Down


     It's nearing Valentine's Day. Your husband (or wife) has been on
the computer for three months straight. His communication of late has
been nothing more than incomprehensible ramblings about the internet or
Apogee's latest game.
     You'd like a little romantic attention for a change, but don't
quite know how to go about getting it. Sexy lingerie, a romantic dinner,
artsy porn movies - nothing you do or say seems to work.
     We at STTS magazine have compiled a helpful list of phrases and
ideas that just might do the trick! Use them sparingly, and with
discretion. Above all, use them wisely. Good luck, and let us know how
it all turns out. We're praying for you!




Phrases that will turn him/her on


How about a little time sharing?
Would you like to try a manual entry?
My response time is shorter than an ELF.
I run on AC or DC.
I'll trade you my software for your hardware.
I'm a member of Aslib.
Want to try my back-up equipment?
How about a digital search?
Boot my system!
Mind if I run a cylinder scan on you?
Let's push our upload/download ratio to the limit!
Wanna see my dedicated port?
You can have direct access if you want.
How about a flip-flop?
Your LSP really turns me on!
Like to see my head rotor?
Let me try your joystick
Kiss my system!
I'd love to FTP your file!
You'll always be LILO in my system.
It's time to log in.
Warm boot me all night long!
Massage my input.
Wanna twiddle my mouse?
I've also got a slow mode.
I'm gonna Telnet your brains out!
I'm programmed for parallel processing.
I'm into RAM.
RIP me into shreds!
Let's advance the state of the art.
Like some digital timesharing of my TTS?
Wanna play Artifical Intelligence Hot Chat?


Clothes that will drive him/her wild


White shirt with plastic pencil case in pocket
T-shirt with rock group on front
White socks
Worn out running shoes
Shiny suit pants
Hawaiian shirt
12-point wingtips
Carry a briefcase


Food to stimulate him/her


Warm Coke
Twinkies
Szechuan food
Week-old pizza
Oreo cookies
Lukewarm coffee


Selected reading to whisper in his/her ear


On circuit operation (read as if lecturing):

"The input signal is impressed on the grid of the voltage amplifier tube,
T_1.  This signal is amplified and appears across R_1 after
experiencing a 180' phase shift."

On common polyphase rectifier circuits:

"A three-phase, delta-wye circuit, sometimes known as a three-phase,
half-wave rectifier circuit, has the disadvantage of giving a large ripple
voltage in the output circuit."

If all else fails, try this wining line:

"I = {E \over X_T} \quad{\rm where}\quad
X_T = X_{c1} + { X_{c2}X_{c3} \over X_{c2} + X_{c3} } +
{ X_{c4} X_{c5} X_{c6} \over X_{c4} X_{c5} + X_{c7} }"

Last but not least, a romantic line from the internet:

"To: FTPMAIL@Chrysalis.org
GET SUN9402.ZIP"

     
     If none of this has worked so far, you're probably out of luck. Our
advice: get a new spouse. Do something that only your spouse could
really appreciate - upgrade. 
                             
