
"If you can't laugh at yourself... then you ain't seen youself sleeping!"
- Harry Anderson (from cable TV special "Hello Sucker")

"A flute with no holes is not a flute...
 and a donut with no holes, is a danish."
- Chevy Chase (Caddyshack)

"Women are psychic... they know if men are going to get laid or not!"
- Paul Rodriguez (Detroit Comedy Jam)

"Everywhere is within walking distance ...  If you have the time..."
- Steven Wright

I'll play with it first and tell you what it is later.
     - Miles Davis

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
     - Hassan I Sabbah

Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
      - Bo Diddley

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the
opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
      - Niels Bohr

Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
      Southern California Oracle

The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
mind to correlate all its contents.
      H. P. Lovecraft

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
      Ken Kesey

Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
      Little Richard

I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
      Mae West

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
      Sigmund Freud

It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night.
      Willie Sutton

Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
      Billy Rose

The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
      Karl Marx
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of
it ... it would have been much better.
      Karl Marx's mother

If you think the United States has stood still,
who built the largest shopping center in the world?
      Richard M. Nixon

When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my
patrons serve it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
      Al Capone

Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
      Frank Lloyd Wright

If you've seen one city slum, you've seen them all.
      Spiro Agnew

If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
      Ronald Reagan

The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
     R. Buckminster Fuller

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
      Dwight D. Eisenhower

You smash it - and I'll build around it.
      John Lennon

College isn't the place to go for ideas.
      Hellen Keller

Justice is incidental to law and order.
      J. Edgar Hoover

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
      Groucho Marx

The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
      Abbie Hoffman

Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.
      Pink Floyd

Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't
know what I want to be when I grow up.
      Peter Drucker

How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
      Firesign Theater

I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
      Oscar Wilde

We are what we pretend to be.
      Kurt Vonnegut, Jr

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
      Oscar Wilde

The race is not always to the swift, nor the
battle to the strong - but thats the way to bet.
      Damon Runyon

I could prove God statistically.
      George Gallup

My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
      ALBERT EINSTEIN

Real wealth can only increase.
      R BUCKMINSTER FULLER

Anyone can hate. It costs to love.
      JOHN WILLIAMSON

In the province of the mind, what one believes
to be true either is true or becomes true.
      JOHN LILLY

Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.

The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
      ALBERT EINSTEIN

Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
      TALLULAH BANKHEAD

A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms.
      GEORGE WALD

Dont lose
Your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
      BURMA SHAVE

It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been
always thus.
      DEAN LATTIMER

Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
      KEN WEAVER

We don't know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
      JOHN CULKIN

Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
      Ashleigh Brilliant

You can't ride two horses with one behind.
      Broadway Danny Rose

I waited and waited, and when no message came,
I knew it must have been from you.
      Ashleigh Brilliant

The sooner and in more detail you announce bad news, the better.
      - The Chappaquiddick Theorem

Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely
sure I'll never find out the truth.
      Ashleigh Brilliant

Don't worry if you're rich or not, as long as you can live
comfortably and have everything you want.
      - The Son-in-Law Law

Please don't ask me what the score is, I'm not even sure what the game is.
      - Ashleigh Brilliant

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
     - Ashleigh Brilliant

Everything east of the San Andreas Fault will
eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.
      THIRD LAW OF SEISMOLOGY

If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
      - Ashleigh Brilliant

The number of records maintained in any record keeping system is inversely
proportional to the anxieties of the powerful.
    - Jacobsen's Third Law of Bureaucracy

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
     - Ashleigh Brilliant

Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly,
because I may be going in the wrong direction.
     - Ashleigh Brilliant

To estimate the time it takes to do a task, estimate the time you
think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure
to the next highest unit, thus we allocate 2 days for a one-hour
task.
     - CAMBELL'S FIRST LAW OF PLANNING

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually
let the task completely overwhelm me.
      Ashleigh Brilliant

Abstain from wine, woman, and song. Mostly song.
     - J. BIRD'S LONGEVITY LAW

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first,
and call whatever you hit the target.
     - Ashleigh Brilliant

The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.
     - ALAN COULT

If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of
Western civilization would presumably flunk it.
      STANLEY GARN

The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
      FATHER ROBERT F CAPON

Sure there are dishonest men in local government.
But there are dishonest men in national government too.
      RICHARD M NIXON

We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
      DWIGHT D EISENHOWER

If we make peaceful revolution impossible,
we make violent revolution inevitable.
      JOHN F KENNEDY

"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if
it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."
      LEWIS CARROLL

It takes a long time to understand nothing.
      EDWARD DAHLBERG

To know the world one must construct it.
      CESARE PAVESE

Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
      BULLWINKLE MOOSE

The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
      TENESSEE WILLIAMS

An object never serves the same function as its image  -  or its name.
      RENE MAGRITTE

All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin'
in a peach orchard, ya dont go lookin' for rutabagas.
      KINGFISH

He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
      M C ESCHER

Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
 If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.

When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
      CALVIN COOLIDGE

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
      PAUL ERLICH

If A equals success, then the formula is:
   A= X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
      ALBERT EINSTEIN

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.
      JOSEPH FISCHER

Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility:
 1 Pot T == 1 Pot P
 1 Pot P == 1 Pot T
      R BUCKMINSTER FULLER

The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
      J PAUL GETTY

The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
      ROGER LEVIAN

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
      Robert D. Sprecht (RAND Corp.)

Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
Nobody notices when things go right.

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.
      Confucius

Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
      Book of Proverbs

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
      Mark Twain

The unnatural, that too is natural.
      Goethe

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
      Graffiti

I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
      Samuel Goldwyn

He hasn't one redeeming vice.
      Oscar Wilde

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
      Graffiti

A new roll of toilet tissue is never installed by
the person using the last of the previous roll.
      THE IRON RULE OF THOUGHTLESSNESS

"'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability."
    - George Bernard Shaw -

"Science has proof without any certainty.
Creationists have certainty without any proof."
    - Ashley Montague -

"Birth, Copulation, and Death.
That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks."
    - T. S. Elliot -

"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
    - D. B. Hudson -

"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 
'user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take 
all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."
    - Bill Gates,Pres., Microsoft, Inc. -

Eight Things your computer won't do:
 1) It won't save you money
 2) It won't make your organization run right
 3) It won't solve every problem
 4) It won't run itself
 5) It won't always be right
 6) It won't meet all its own needs
 7) It won't protect itself
 8) It won't become obsolete
    - J. Makower -

"The government of the United States is not
in any sense founded on the Christian Religion."
    - George Washington -

"In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty."
    - Thomas Jefferson -

"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations"
    - Thomas Jefferson -

"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"
    - Benjamin Franklin -

"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
    - Thomas Jefferson -

"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained 
control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles."
    - Pat Paulsen -

"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself."
    - Camus -

"I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it."
    - W. C. Fields -

"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"
    - Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian -

"To err is human, to compute divine.
Trust your computer but not its programmer."
    - Morris Kingston -

"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but 
I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head."
    - George Wallace -

"You don't have to explain something you never said."
    - Calvin Coolidge -

"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry."
    - Bismarck -

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
    - Everett Dirksen -

"The personal computer market is about the same size as the 
total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the 
size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total 
worldwide sales of pantyhose."
    - James Finke,Pres.,Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) -

"I like a man who grins when he fights."
    - Winston Churchill -

"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
    - Winston Churchill -

"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, 
and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, 
Thursday, and Saturday."
    - William Bragg -

"Pioneering basically amounts to finding new and more horrible ways to die."
    - John W. Campbell -

"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest."
    - Thoreau -

"Why should I fix dinner? Let the person who broke it fix it!"
      GABRIELLE BAKER

"Why?"
     - Quasimodo

Familiarity breeds contempt--and children.
      - Mark Twain

"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and 
thinking what no one else has thought."
    - Albert Szent-Gyorgi -

"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters; 
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels."
    - Goya -

"Some people like my advice so much that
they frame it upon the wall instead of using it."
    - Gordon R. Dickson -

The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached
to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
      - Jim Fiebig

"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor."
    - Toynbee -

"We have met the enemy and he is us."
    - Walt Kelly (in POGO) -

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
      -Hunter Thompson

"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians,
who never committed adultery, are now extinct."
    - M. Somerset Maugham -

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
    - Bert Lantz -

"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."
    - Oscar Wilde -

BREVITY is the soul of lingerie.
      -Dorothy Parker

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
    - Voltaire -

"IBM uses what I like to call the 'hole-in-the-ground technique' to destroy
the competition..... IBM digs a big HOLE in the ground and covers it with
leaves. It then puts a big POT OF GOLD nearby. Then it gives the call, 'Hey,
look at all this gold, get over here fast.' As soon as the competitor 
approaches the pot, he falls into the pit."
    - John C. Dvorak -

"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them."
    - Heisenberg -

"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling
 to get adapted to my kind of fooling."
    - R. Frost -

"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
    - Ben Johnson -

It's always DULLEST before the yawn.
      -Bob Phillips

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
    - Dave Barry

In His wisdom, God made the fly...and then forgot to tell us why.
      Ogden Nash

And isn't that the greatest fear of all...
To be ready with the answers
...To questions that no one asks any more... ?
    - Merrit Malloy

Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than you do.
      Raymond Mortimer

The quality of life didn't matter much...
There was so much of it.
    - Merrit Malloy

There is no happiness for people at the expense of other people.
      Anwar el-Sadat

Compromise is simply when we change the answer to fit the question.
    - Merrit Malloy

I don't know what it's like
To be old...
But I think...
It's living long enough
To make a joke of the things
That were once
Breaking your heart...
    - Merrit Malloy

Love is proud of itself...
It leaks out of us
Even with the tightest security.
    - Merrit Malloy

When a thing is not worth overdoing, leave it alone!
      Henry S. Haskins

Why is it that we always remember that people forget;
But we always forget that they remember?
    - Merrit Malloy

Somehow when you eat alone, food is more expensive.
    - Merrit Malloy

After silence, that which comes nearest to expressing the inexplicable is music.
      Aldous Huxley

National Velvet was only a movie
And life ... well,
Life used to be a magazine.
    - Merrit Malloy

You thought it would be easy, so the truth eluded you.
    - Julie Snow

There are two classes of men:
those who are good with metaphors and those who are good with formulas.
      H. von Kleist

Everything bows to success, even grammar.

If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a
perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.
      Lin Yutang

House guests and fish stink after 3 days. 
    - Ben Franklin -

If a nation values anything more than its freedom, it will lose its freedom,
and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money that it values more, it
will lose that too.
      W. Somerset Maugham

The persons hardest to convince they're
at retirement age are children at bedtime.
      Shannon Fife

It is often wonderful how putting down on paper a clear statement of
a case helps one to see, not perhaps the way out, but the way in.
      A.C. Benson

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 
    - Voltaire -

Great spirits have always encountered violent oppositions from mediocre minds.
    - Albert Einstein

There may be said to be two classes of people in the world...:
those who consider things in the abstract, ...and those who consider
them only in reference to themselves.
      H. Haslett

After all is said and done, sit down.
      Bill Copeland

It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either
charming or tedious.
      Oscar Wilde

The only way out is through.
    - Julie Snow

If I were a poet
I would write a sonnet
It would say "I love you",
Your name would be on it.
    - Kermit the Frog

The excuse for missing homework used to be "the dog ate it."
Now it's "the disk got erased."
      N.Z. Becher

People used to whistle while they worked. Now they wear earphones.
      Michael Bailey

A man who bets on greed and dishonesty won't be wrong too often.
      Z. J. Carter

The guy who used to chop a winter's supply of fuel by hand has a
son who uses a chain saw to prune his shrubs.
      Doug Larson

The main function of the press is to provide negative feedback, so the
body politic can feel pain. The idea is that by letting a little pain
get through to the top, the government will feel when it grabs something
hot, and may let go before it burns off its fingers.
      C. C. Cantrell (Revolution from Rosinante)

Every generation has its own problems; it ought to find out its own solutions.
There is no use in our living if we can't do things better than our fathers did.
    - Henry Ford -

The trouble with acting according to the dictates of your conscience
is that once you start doing it, no one can trust you anymore.
      Simon Whelan

Spring is when a boy mantis sees a girl mantis
and finally realizes what he's been praying for.
      Robert Orben

Discipline is not an end in itself, but rather a means to an end.
      Valentine Michael Smith

People today are wearing things on their T-shirts
that they once wouldn't dare tell their analysts.
      Kup's Column

Nice jail, looks strong.
      Harry Houdini

How is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least
triviality that happens to us, and not good enough to recollect
how often we've told it to the same person?
      La Rochefoucauld

Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war
than we know about peace. We know more about killing than we know about living.
    - General Omar Bradley -

Alea jacta est. (The die is cast.)
    - Julius Caesar after crossing the Rubicon

If little else, the brain is an educational toy.
    - Tom Robbins

One of the joys of travel is seeing new places and meeting new people.
      Genghis Khan

Let us build a pantheon for professors. It should be located among the
ruins of one of the gutted cities of Europe or Japan, and over the
entrance to the ossuary I would inscribe, in letters six or seven feet
high, the simple words:
             SACRED TO THE MEMORY OF THE WORLD'S EDUCATORS.
     - Aldous Huxley, forward to the 1946 edition of "Brave New World"

One day [Sir Richard] Burton was discussing Darwin with a Catholic
archbishop. The prelate noticed some monkeys frisking nearby. "Well,
Captain Burton," the archbishop said, "there are some of your ancestors."
Burton twirled his moustache and replied, "Well, I at least have made
some progress. But what about your lordship who is descended from the
angels?" The archbishop was not overly amused.
     - From "Fearless Adventurer: Sir Richard Burton", by Arthur Orrmont

People from my country believe - and rightly so - that the only thing
separating man from the animals is mindless superstition and pointless
ritual.
     - Latka Gravis -

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past.
     - Thomas Jefferson -

I've got you under my skin.
     - Cole Porter -

It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline.
Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.
     - Hunter Thompson -

Everybody gets wise, don't you think?  A fool stays the same.
    - Richard Pryor

A mid-air collision can seriously erode climb performance.
    - Barry Schiff

Je m'en vay chercher un grand Peut-etre.
    - Rabelais on his deathbead

Sometimes being able to read makes more questions than if you were stupid.
    - Harlan Ellison

I heed not that my earthly lot
 Hath little of earth in it,
That years of love have been forgot
 In the hatred of a minute:
I mourn not that the desolate
 Are happier, sweet, than I,
But that you sorrow for my fate
 Who am a passer-by
      To --, by Edgar Allan Poe

To refuse to decide is a decision.
    - Peter Brent

To be positive is to be wrong at the top of one's voice.
    - Ambrose Bierce

When the tide of life is against you,
When the current upsets your boat,
Don't cry about what might have been...
Just lie on your back and float.
    - Ed Norton (approximate)

It is the instinct of understanding to contradict reason.
    - Jacobi

Your imagination, my dear fellow, is worth more that you imagine.
    - Louis Aragon

All modern thought is permeated by the idea of thinking the unthinkable.
    - Michel Foucault

Eating is touching carried to the bitter end.
    - Samuel Butler

A man who fears suffering is already suffering from what he fears.
    - Montaigne

Cowards die many times before their deaths.
    - Shakespeare

Many would be cowards if they had courage enough.
    - Thomas Fuller

The chicken was the egg's idea for getting more eggs.
    - Samuel Butler

If I don't know I don't know, I think I know.
If I don't know I know I know, I think I don't know.
    - R.D. Laing

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
    - Wilde

I'm still an atheist, thank God.
    - Luis Bunuel

The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
    - Jerry Burchfiel

Life is a terminal illness.
    - Don Wallace

It's hard to observe your own death objectively and be happy about it.
    - Woody Allen

A technique is a trick that works.
    - Gian-Carlo Rota, ex-MIT professor

Technology has brought meaning to the lives of many technicians.
    - Ed Bluestone

Science is supposedly the method by which we stand on the shoulders
of those who came before us. In computer science, we are all standing
on each others' feet.
    - Paraphrase from G. Popek

Consciousness is that which it is not, and is not that which it is.
    - Sartre

There is only one thing certain, namely that we can have nothing certain;
and therefore it is not certain that we can have nothing certain.
    - Samuel Butler

I mean what I say means I say what I mean.
    - Lewis Carroll

I yam what I yam and dat's all dat I yam.
      Popeye the Sailor

The day is the same length as anything that is the same length as it.
    - Lewis Carroll

Laws are like cobwebs, which may catch small flies,
but let wasps and hornets break through.
    - Jonathan Swift

Superstition and accident manifest the will of God.
    - C. G. Jung

If the world is a progressively realized community of
interpretation, then either quadruplictity will drink
procrastination or, provided that the nothing negates,
boredom will ensue seldom more often than frequently.
    - Woody Allen

In a steady state universe, rapid transit would not be feasible.
    - Gwyneth Cravens

Should reality sound poetical?
    - Richard Howard

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
    - R. Geis (SFR #16)

Felix ... opportunitate mortis.
[Fortune favored him ... in the opportune moment of his death.]
    - Tacitus

Promises and pie crusts are made to broken.
    - Jonathan Swift

War is much too serious a thing to be left to military men.
    - Charles-Maurice de Talleyrand

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
    - George Orwell

Time: That which man is always trying to kill, but which ends in killing him.
    - Herbert Spencer

Entropy is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
    - R. Geis (SFR #16)

The army of weird and beautiful works could well do with recruits.
    - C. S. Lewis

Each age is a dream that is dying, or one that is coming to birth.
    - Arthur O'Shaughnessy, "Ode"

If I chased the straight line of my thoughts, what a maze I'd write!
    - Brian W. Aldiss, Earthworks

'God', said the sea goat, 'is always on both sides.'
    - Pete Sinfield

 Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
    - Will Rogers

I am a peer group of one.
    - R. Geis

Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.
    - R. Geis

When a man is treated like a beast, he says: "After all, I'm human."
When he behaves like a beast, he says: "After all, I'm only human."
    - Karl Kraus

Do not adjust your mind. The fault is in reality.
    - Bill Wright

The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
    - Edward John Pheles

Nothing can come out of nothing, nothing can go back to nothing.
    - Persius

The sublime and the ridiculous are often so nearly related, that it is
difficult to class them separately.  One step above the sublime, makes
the ridiculous; and one step above the ridiculous, makes it sublime again.
    - Thomas Paine

No poems can please long, nor live, which are written by water drinkers.
    - Horace

Civilization is an exercise in masochism by most, in sadism by few.
    - R. Geis

Necessity may be the mother of invention, but Greed is its father.
(We're all ashamed of Greed, so he isn't mentioned much.)
    - R. Geis

The lost secret of eternal life is in the
    - R. Geis

The world gets better every day...
Then worse again in the evening.
    - Epigram Distillers
      C. Runyon, Chief Potentate

I believe the moment is near when by a procedure of active
paranoiac thought, it will be possible...to systematize confusion
and contribute to the total discrediting of the world of reality.
    - Salvador Dali

Never try to make anyone like yourself - you know,
God knows, that one of you is enough.
    - Ralph Waldo Emerson

There's a plot to make it look like I'm a paranoid!!!
    - Amos Salmonson

ME, paranoid? Why do you ask?!
    - Victor Kostrikin

I don't believe in astrology. We Geminis are very skeptical.
    - Tom Marcinko

Anarchists of the world, unite! You have
nothing to lose but your...er...anarchism.
    - R. Geis

The possibility does exist, of course, that I am paranoid...
But that's what they want me to think, isn't it?
    - Ed Pearson

Definition of a specialist - One who never makes small
mistakes while moving towards the grand fallacy.
    - Marshal McLuhan

I wouldn't mind the number of paranoids
around today, if they weren't all out to get me.
    - Malcolm Edwards

Another person's secret is like another person's money:
You are not as careful with it as you are with your own.
    - E. W. Howe

On the Train of Thought 99% of the tickets sold are half fare.
    - Ed Cagle, KWALHIOQUA #8

To a misogynist, a Ms. is as good as a mile.
    - R. Geis

If everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
    - D. J. Hicks

I'm not paranoid, it's just that everyone else thinks I am.
    - G Farber

A true cynic doubts everything -- including his own cynicism.
    - R. Geis

"It's a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart
was my age he had already been dead for three years."
      Tom Lehrer

It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can get yourself back.
-- Mick Jagger

"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
striving of the human race"
 - Alfred North Whitehead -

Paradise is just like where you are right now, only much better.
  - Laurie Anderson ("Language is a virus")

God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and
the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.
 - William Bragg -

That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest
 - Thoreau -

Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and 
thinking what no one else has thought.
 - Albert Szent-Gyorgi -

Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor.
 - Toynbee -

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.
 Albert Einstein

How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for 
somewhere else.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 
There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't work.
- Gallagher

Place your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.
 - Robert Heinlein

 ... if it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if 
it is a Fact, proof is necessary.
      -- Samuel Clemens

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New
England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be
raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in
New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for
countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if
they don't get it.
 - Mark Twain

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use
through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which
will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
                                                        - Mark Twain

"We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is a
very grave danger they will be misinterpreted."
 -- H. R. Haldeman, testifying in his own defense.

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an
international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week. 
-- George Bernard Shaw

"One Galileo in two thousand years is enough."  -- Pope Pius XII

The longer I live, the more beautiful life becomes - Frank Lloyd Wright

The madman who knows that he is mad is close to sanity. - Juan Alarc'on (-1639)

The main obligation is to amuse yourself. - S.J.Perelman

The man who has no inner life is a slave to his surroundings - Henri Amiel

The march of the human mind is slow. - Edmund Burke (1729-1797)

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation - Henry David Thoreau (-1862)

The measure of a man is what he does with his power. -Pittacus (650?-569BC)

The memories of men are too frail a thread to hang history from. - Still (-1543)

The men who make history have no time to write about it. - Prince Metternich

The minority is always wrong - at the beginning. - Herbert V. Prochnow

The mobs of the great cities...the sores on the body politic.
   - Thomas Jefferson

The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything - L. Peter

The more I see of man, the more I like dogs. - Mme. de Stael (1766-1817)

The more corrupt the state, the more numerous the laws. -Tacitus (55-130?)

The more humanity advances, the more it is degraded
 - Gustave Flaubert (1821-1880)

The more the change the more it is the same thing - Alphonse Kerr (-1890)

The more wit the less courage. - Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)

The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.

The moving cursor writes, and having writ moves on. - Sean Duffy

The next dreadful thing to a battle lost is a battle won. - Arthur Wellesley

The no-mind not-thinks no-thougts about no-things. - Buddha (563?-483?BC)

The object of oratory is not truth but persuasion. - Thomas B. Macaulay

The obligation to endure gives us the right to know. - Jean Rostand

The offender never pardons. - George Herbert

The older they get, the better they were when they were younger- Jim Bouton

The only abnormality is the incapacity to love. - Anais Nin

The only completely consistent people are dead. - Aldous Huxley

The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance - Socrates (-399 B.C.)

The only man who can change his mind is a man that's got one. - E. Wescott

The only really happy folk are married women and single men. - H.L. Mencken

The only thing I like about rich people is their money. -Lady Astor

The only thing on the level is mountain climbing. - Eddie Quinn

The only time winning is really important is in surgery and in war. - McGuire

The paper burns, but the words fly away. - Ben Joseph Akiba (c. 50-132 AD)

The past is but the beginning of a beginning. - H.G. Wells

The people-that great Beast. - Alexander Hamilton (1757-1804)

The perpetual obstacle to human advancement is custom. - Moritz Guedemann

The philosophy of one century is the common sense of the next.
 - Henry W.Beecher

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth. - Jean Cocteau

The poor you always have with you. - Jesus (John 12:8)

The price of greatness is responsibility. - Winston Churchill

The price of justice is eternal publicity - Arnold Bennett

The prime purpose of elegance is to keep other people from speaking. - Vermeil

The principal mark of genius is not perfection, but originality - A. Koestler

The purpose of Newspeak..is to make all other modes of thought impossible.
 - Orwell, "1984"

The purpose of freedom is to create it for others. - Bernard Malamud

The questions that can be answered are not worth asking. - Milton Mayer

The radical of one century is the conservative of the next. -Mark Twain

The reputation of power /is/ power. -Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679)

The reward of energy, enterprise, and thrift is taxes. - William Feather

The rich man and his daughter are soon parted. -Frank Hubbard ("Kin Hubbard")

The same people who deny others everything deny themselves nothing. -Leigh Hunt

The scientist...is at the moving edge of what's happening. - Dr. G.M. Edelman

The service we render others is really the rent we pay on earth. - Grenfell

The significance of man is that he is insignificant, and aware of it.
 - Carl Becker

The state calls its own violence law, but that of the individual crime.
 - Stirner

The strength of a nation is derived from the integrity of its homes - Confucius

The study of history is the beginning of political wisdom - Jean Bodin (-1596)

The successful revolutionary is a statesman, the unsuccessful, a criminal-Fromm

The supreme court is the greatest single threat to the Constitution.
 - Sen. Eastland

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. - Mark Twain

The thoughtless are rarely wordless. - Howard W. Newton

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it. - Sydney J. Harris

The tough thing is to be able to outlast the trends.  - Paul Anka

The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.
  - Albert Schweitzer

The trouble with our times is that the future isn't what it used to be-Vale'ry

The true physician does not preach repentence, he offers absolution -Mencken

The truth is more important than the facts. - Frank Lloyd Wright

The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'Check Enclosed'-Parker

The ultimate censorship is the flick of the dial. - Tom Smothers

The unexpected Always happens - Lawerence Peter

The universe is not hostile, nor is it friendly. It is indifferent.-J.H.Holmes

The vice-presidency of the U.S. isn't worth a pitcher of warm spit-John N.Garner

The victor belongs to the spoils. -F.Scott Fitzgerald

The victor will never be asked if he told the truth. - Adolf Hitler

The way of the world is to praise dead saints and persecute living ones.-N.Howe

The wild places are where we began. When they end, so do we. - David Brower

The will to disbelieve is the strongest deterrent to wider horizons.-Hans Holzer

The wise make proverbs and the fools repeat them. - Issac D'Israeli

The world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel.-Walpole

The world is governed by opinion. - Thomas Hobbes (1588-1679)

The worst enemy of the new radicals are the old liberals- Nikolai Lenin

The worst vice of the fanatic is his sincerity. - Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

The...world is a comedy to those that think, a tragedy to those that feel-Walpol

Theories we believe we call facts, those we disbelieve we call theories.-Cohen

There are 3 kinds of lies.  Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics. - Benjamin Disraeli

There are 3 sides to every story, yours, mine and all that lie between-Jody Kern

There are an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. - Drucker

There are few things easier than to live badly and die well.-Oscar Wilde

There are no eternal facts as there are no absolute truths. - Nietzche (-1900)

There are no warlike peoples, just warlike leaders. -Ralph Bunche

There are some jobs in which it is impossible for a man to be virtuous-Aristotle

There are too many people and too few human beings. -Robert Zend

There has never been a 30 hour week for men who had anything to do.-C.Kettering

There is a pleasure sure,/In being mad, which none but madmen know!-John Dryden

There is a superstition in avoiding superstition. - Francis Bacon (1561-1626)

There is far greater peril in buying knowledge than in buying meat & drink-Plato

There is no crime which one cannot imagine oneself to be the author-Goethe

There is no future in any job. The future lies in the he who holds the job-Crane

There is no genius free from some tincture of madness. - Seneca (4BC-65AD)

There is no greater lie than a truth misunderstood. - William James

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. - Mark Twain

There is no such thing as pure pleasure, some anxiety always goes with it-Ovid

There is no such thing as a simple extract. - Mark Terrano

There is no wealth but life - John Ruskin (1819-1900)

There is no worse heresey than that the office sanctifies the holder of it.

There is nothing like a little parenthood to cause bias. Phillip Crosby

There is nothing like an odour to stir old memories - William McFee

There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income.-Ed Wilson

There is nothing new in Art except talent. - Anton Chekhov

There is nothing new under the sun. - The Bible (Eccl 1:9)

There is nothing permanent except change - Heraclitus (540-475 BC)

There is nothing that fails like success. - G.K.Chesterton

There is plenty of law at the end of a nightstick. - Grover Whalen

There is properly no history, only biography - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

There is sufficiency in the world for man's need, but not for man's greed-Gandhi

There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker. - Charles Schulz

There's a sucker born every minute - P.T. Barnum

There's no fool like an old fool - you can't beat experience. -Jacob Braude

There's no possibility of being witty without a little ill-nature - R.B.Sheridan

There, I guess King George will be able to read that! -John Hancock (7/4/1776)

They are proud in humility, proud in that they are not proud - Robert Burton

They intoxicate themselves with work so they wont see how they really are-Huxley

They served the most abdominal cocktails- Nellie Norton

They talk most who have the least to say. - Matthew Prior (1664-1721)

They told me it would disrupt my life less if I got killed sooner.-Joseph Keller

They went at it with hammer and tongues - Mary Schafer

Think like a man of action, act like a man of thought. - Henri Bergson

This could be such a beautiful world. - Rosalind Welcher

This is a court of law, young man! Not a court of justice. - Oliver W.Holmes Jr.

This is either a forgery or a damn clever original! -Frank Sullivan(of painting)

Those in power only want to perpetuate it. - Justice William O. Douglas

Those who can do; those who can't, teach. -George Bernard Shaw

Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.- Abraham Linclon

Those who do not know how to live must make a merit of dying.-George B. Shaw

Those who speak most of progress measure it by quantity not quality-Santayana

Though I'm anything but clever,/I could talk like that forever - W.S.Gilbert

Though pride is not a virtue, it is the parent of many virtues. -M.C.Collins

Time goes, you say? Ah no! / Alas, Time stays, we go. - Austin Dobson

Time is a circus, always packing up and moving away. - Ben Hecht

Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. - Henry David Thoreau (-1862)

Time wounds all heels. - Jane Ace

To be a success in business, be daring, be first, be different. - Marchant

To be free is to have achieved your life - Tennesse Williams

To be human is no solution, any more than ceasing to be so. - Emile M. Cioran

To be ignorant of one's ignorance is the malady of the ignorant - A.B.Alcott

To be vanquished and yet not surrender, that is victory. - Josef Pilsudski

To believe only possibilities is not faith but mere philosophy. - Thomas Browne

To die for an idea is to place a pretty high price upon conjecture - France

To do nothing is in every man's power. - Samuel Johnson.

To find a friend, one must close one eye, to keep him, two.  - Norman Douglas

To have great poetry, there must be great audiences, too. - Walt Whitman

To install is holy, to sell divine.             - IBM

To know all things is not permitted - Horace (65-8BC)

To love is to admire with the heart, to admire is to love with the mind.-Gautier

To make headway, improve your head. - B.C.Forbes

To me, old age is 15 years older than I am.-Bernard Baruch

To my embarrasment, I was born in bed with a lady. - Wilson Mizner

To paint a fine picture is far more important than to sell it - Jewell

To read without reflection is like eating without digestion - Edmund Burke

To retire is the beginning of death - Pablo Casals

To rule is easy, to govern, difficult. - Johann W.  Goethe

To some lawyers, all facts are created equal - Justice Felix Frankfurter

To speak ill of others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves. - Ariel Durant

To teach is to learn. - Japanese Proverb

To travel hopefully is better than to arrive - Sir James Jeans

Today if you're not confused, you're just not thinking clearly - Irene Peter

Tolerance is the virtue of a man without convictions. - G.K. Chesterton

Too busy with the crowded hour to fear to live or die. - Ralph W. Emerson

Too clever is dumb -- Ogden Nash.

Treat people as if they were what they ought to be...-Johann Goethe

True success is overcoming the fear of being unsuccessful-Paul Sweeny

Truth is with the victor, who, as you know, also controls the historians-Hochuth

Truth or tact? You have to choose - most times they are not compatible-E.Cantor

Two things reduce prejudice - Education and Laughter - Lawerence Peter.

Tyrants have not yet discovered any chains that can fetter the mind.-C.C.Colton

Unless a woman has an amorous heart, she is a dull companion.-Samuel Johnson

Unless justice be done to others, it will not be done to us. - Woodrow Wilson

Until philosophers are kings, cities will never cease from ill - Plato

Up sluggard, and waste not life,in the grave will be sleeping enough-Ben Frankln

Us, the most transient/Everyone once, once only. Just once and no more.-R. Rilke

Use every man after his desert and who should 'scape whipping - Shakespeare

Very few people can afford to be poor. - George Bernard Shaw

Victory has a hundred fathers, but defeat is an orphan. - Count Galeazzo Ciano

Victory has a hundred memories, but defeat has amnesia. - W.I.E. gates

Violent disorder once set in motion may spawn tyrrany, nmot freedom-C.E.Wyzanski

Virtue has need of limits.-Baron de Montesquieu

Virtue is insufficient temptation.- George Bernard Shaw

Virtue is its own reward. -John Dryden

Virtue is its own revenge -E.Y.Harburg

Virtue, perhaps, is nothing more than politeness of the soul. -Honore' de Balzac

Voters quickly forget what a man says. - Richard M. Nixon

Wagner had some wonderful moments but awful half hours.-Rossini

Want is the mistress of invention - Susanna Centlivre (1677?-1723)

War hath no fury like a non-combatant. - C.E.Montague

War is only a cowardly escape from the problems of peace. -Thomas Mann

War on nations change maps.  War on poverty maps change. - Muhammed Ali

War would end if the dead could return. - Stanley Baldwin

We are all apt to believe what the world believes about us.-Mary Ann Evans

We are all born mad. Some remain so. - Samuel Beckett

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can - Will Rogers

We are all of us, more or less, the slaves of opinion - Thomas Hobbes

We are confronted by a condition, not a theory. - Grover Cleveland

We are healthy only to the extent that our ideas are humane - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

We are tomorrow's past. - Mary Webb

We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming - W. von Braun

We cannot unthink unless we are insane. - Arthur Koestler

We do not know one millionth of 1% about anything - T.A. Edison

We do pretty much whatever we want to,why can't we live in good cities-P.Johnson

We forfeit 3/4ths of ourselves in order to be like other people.- Shopenhauer

We forgot to make ourselves intelligent when we made ourselves sovereign-Durant

We give advice, but we can not give wisdom to profit by it.-Duc de Rochefoucauld

We have come to a turning point in the human habitation of earth.-Barry Commoner

We hold these truths to be self-evident: all men can be cremated equal - Partlow

We hope vaguely, but dread precisely - Paul Vale'ry

We know nothing about motivation - all we can do is write books about it-Drucker

We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. - Eric Hoffer

We must ask where we are and wither we are tending. - Abe Lincoln

We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achivement.-Mayor Rich Daley

We should weep for men at their birth, not at their death. - Baron deMontesquieu

We think in generalities, we live in detail. -Alfred N. Whitehead

We work to become, not to acquire. - Elbert Hubbard

We'll blast them back into the Stone Age! - Gen. William C. Westmoreland

We're all on the same side...we're out to get me. - Bob Schneider

We're going to move right and left at the same time. - Gov. Jerry Brown

We've had luck with our kids - they've all grown up - Christopher Morley

Wealth is conspicuous, but poverty hides. -James Reston

Weed: A plant whose virtues have not yet been discovered. - R.W. Emerson (-1882)

Well, shudder my timbers! - Roland Levesque

What I aspired to be/And was not, comforts me - Robert Browning

What a rotten opinion I have of myself, and how little I deserve it.-Reg Smythe

What can I know? What ought I to do? What may I hope? - Immanuel Kant

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch! - W.C. Fields

What do I care about the law? Hain't I got the power ? - Cornelius Vanderbilt

What do I know?  - Michael de Montagine (1533-1592)

What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone ?  - Brecht

What is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world,and lose his soul-Bible

What is a philosoph but a continual battle against custom? -Thomas Carlyle

What is honored in a country will be cultivated there. - Plato

What is not good for the hive is not good for the bee. - Marcus Aurelius (-180AD

What is originality? Undetected plagarism! -Dean W.R. Inge

What is the use of being kind to a poor man? - Marcus Tullius Cicero(106-43BC)

What thinking man is there who still requires the hypothesis of a God-Nietzsche

What this country needs are a few labor-making inventions - Arnold Glasow

What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to. -H.B.Duckett

What we call progress is the exchange of one nusciance for another - Ellis

What's a sun-dial in the shade ?  - Benjamin Franklin

What's not worth doing is not worth doing well. -Don Hebb

When I say "everybody says so", I mean 'I' say so. - Ed Howe

When a man has pity on all living creatures only then is he noble
                                                  -Buddha (483BC?)

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package. -J. Ruskin

When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make a required course -Peter Drucker

When an artist reasons, it is because he no longer understands anything.-Derain

When an idea is wanting, a word can always be found to take its place. -Goethe

When it is dark enough, you can see the stars. - Emerson

When one is painting, one does not think. - Raphael (1483-1520)

When people are serving, life is no longer meaningless. -John Gardner

When singleness is bliss, it's folly to be wives - Bill Counselman

When the candles are out, all women are fair - Pultarch (46-120 AD)

When the president says "Jump" they only ask "How High" - John Ehrlichman

When we read too fast or too slowly, we understand nothing - Blaise Pascal

When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff - Cicero (-43 BC)

When you win, nothing hurts. - Joe Namath

Where all men think alike, no one thinks very much. - Walter Lippmann

Where is everybody?
  - C.Sandburg's reply to "What did the last man on earth say?"

Where is there dignity unless there is honesty? - Cicero (106-43 BC)

Where law ends, tyrrany begins - William Pitt the Elder (1708-1778)

Wherever the art of medicine is loved,there is also love of humanity-Hippocrates

While we are sleeping, two thirds of the world is plotting to do us in-Dean Rusk

Who know what he is told must know a lot of things that are not so.-Guiterman

Who overcomes by force hath overcome but half his foe. - John Milton (-1674)

Who says I am not under the special protection of God? - Adolf Hitler

Who sees with equal eye, as God of all,/A hero perish or a sparrow fall. - Pope

Who shall guard the guardians themselves. -Juvenal  (60?-140 AD)

Who will protect the public when the police violate the law? - Ramsey Clark

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy - Groucho Marx

Whoever serves his country well has no need of ancestors. -Voltaire

Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad. - Euripides (484-406 B.C.)

Whom the gods would destroy, they first teach "C" - Terrano

Why should anybody be interested in some old man who was a failure-E.Hemingway

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction..has to make sense-M.Twain

Wine gives great pleasure, and every pleasure is of itself a good.
  - Samuel Johnson

Wise men learn more from fools than fools learn from wise men - Cato (234-149BC)

Wise sayings fall on barren ground, but a kind word is never thrown away.-Helps

Wit is cultured insolence. - Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)

Wit is the rarest quality to be met with among people of education.-W. Hazlitt

Wit is the salt of conversation, not the food. - William Hazlitt (1778-1830)

Without victory there is no survival. - Winston Churchill

Without work, all life goes rotten. - Albert Camus

Woman's virtue is man's greatest invention - Cornelia Otis Skinner

Wonder rather than doubt is the root of knowledge. - Abraham Heschel

Wonders will never cease.- Sir Henry Bate Dudley

Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.- Rudyard Kipling

Work not only to produce, but to give value to time.- Eugene Delacroix

Working with people is difficult, but not impossible. - Peter Drucker

Yea, question not the sheep, for they will forever bleat at your door.-M.Terrano

Yes, that's the worst of living.-you get older every day. -Rev. P.F. How

You can fool most of the people most of the time - P.T. Barnum

You can observe a lot just by watching - Yogi Berra

You can only cure retail, but you can prevent wholesale - Brock Chisolm

You can only predict things after they've happened. - Eugene Ionesco

You can't hold a man down without staying down with him - Booker T. Washington

You can't think and hit at the same time. - Yogi Berra

You don't save a pitcher for tomorrow - tomorrow it may rain. - Leo Durocher

You furnish the pictures, and I'll furnish the war-W.R.Hurst to Fred Remington

You grow up the day you have your first laugh - at yourself. - Ethel Barrymore

You have not converted a man because you have silenced him-John,Viscount Morley

You lose your immortality when you lose your memory - Vladimir Nabokov

You must begin with an ideal to end with an ideal - Sir Frederick Banting

You won't skid if you stay in a rut. - Frank McKinney Hubbard

You've got to be a fool to want to stop the march of time. - Renoir

Your ignorance cramps my conversation - Anthony Hope

Your neighbor is the man who needs you. -Hubbard

Youth is the trustee of posterity. - Benjamin Disraeli

[Scientists] are peeping toms at the keyhole of eternity.- Arthur Koestler

[These are] the three virtues: duty, loyalty, patriotism.-Gordon Liddy

"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself"
 - Camus -
