
An unbreakable toy may be used to break other toys.

Blessed are the weak, for they shall improve the marksmanship of the strong.

Civilization Law #1:
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations
one can do without thinking about them.

Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...

I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific.

Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.

Definition of a liberal by Robert Frost:
           "A person that would not take his own side in a fight"

Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.

It used to be wine, women, and song
now its beer, the old lady, and TV

A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

I'm easy to please as long as I get my way.

Happiness is a positive cash flow.

Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

I'd quit my job, but it's the only place I get any sleep.

Pushing 40 is exercise enough.

If you don't like the way I drive
stay off the sidewalk!

Remember, cheap is a quality overlooking many faults.
                                        Dave Williams

"Sixteen hundred channels and still nothing to watch on daytime TV"
                                        L. Neil Smith/ The Probability Broach

"gimme quawtah, main."
                                                wino drivel

I know it all.
I just can't remember it all at once.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
                                                Rhett Butler

I shall return!
                                                Gen. Douglas A. MacArthur

Given a 50/50 chance, you can be wrong 75% of the time
                                                Dave Williams

Roses are red
violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic
and so am I!

The price of liberty is the blood of patriots.
                                        Robert A. Heinlein/The Puppet Masters

"History is bunk."
                                        Henry Ford

Q: Is there intelligent life on Earth?
A: There was, but we all left.

Zappa isn't Frank!

Richard Fuhler's Law:
 Female beauty is inversely proportional to IQ.

"MEEP! MEEP!"
                                        The RoadRunner

"Doe not bring upp what ye cannot put downe..."
                          HP Lovecraft, The Strange Case of Charles Dexter Ward

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

If I were any lazier, I'd slip into a coma.

When in doubt, do anything.

Everyone needs to believe in something,
I believe I'll have another beer.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

"There's a monkey on my foot!"
                                        Arthur Carlson, WKRP in Cincinnati

Programming done here:
FAST   SMALL   CHEAP
Pick any two.

Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here.

"I'll be back."
                                        Arnold Schwarzenegger/The Terminator

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
                                                J. Edgar Hoover

"What did you do with the tribbles, Mr. Scott?"
"I gi' them t' the Klingons, sair!"
                                - The Trouble With Tribbles

Any sufficiently advanced science would be indistinguishable from magic.
                                        Arthur C. Clarke

Don't drink and drive.
You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

"There's a sucker born every minute."
                                        P.T. Barnum

People who don't understand capitalism are condemned to reinvent it -- poorly.

"...and a lover who looks straaaaangly, like Time the Avenga..." -CH-

| "It's not the size of
|  the disk that matters,
|  it's the way it's
|  formatted..."

"Ask not for whom the bell
 tolls and you will only pay
 Station-to-Station rates."
                                        Ma Bell

| "I'll tell ya kid, the main problem with Pervish food is keeping the goo
| from crawling out of the bowl while you're eating it"

Nuke 'em 'til they glow
shoot 'em in the dark!

"Only through time time is conquered."  -- Burnt Norton

"Watch me change my world..." -- Liquid Theatre

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitible 
application of high explosives.

"I'll ta-ake you ho-ome again Ka-athleeeeeennnnnn.........."
                                                Lt. Reilly, Star Trek

"But soft, what light through yonder winder breaks?
 'tis the East! And Joliet is in Illinois!"
                                                     old Southern play

Join the Army
travel to exotic, distant lands
meet exciting, unusual people
and kill them

SSDD: Same Shit, Different Day

TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT
SURVIVORS WILL BE VIOLATED

"This stuff is just like gold."
                             John Z. "Things go better with coke" DeLorean
 
"NOAH!"
"What?"
"How long can you tread water?"
"Right!"
                                                Bill Cosby

That's not a knife! THIS is a knife!                 Crocodile Dundee
This isn't a knife. THIS is a chainsaw, partner!     Texas redneck

"Do you see me, Toecutter? DO YOU SEE ME, MAN?"
                                           Mad Max/the Night Rider's chant

"This is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful
handgun in the world. I'm not sure if I just
fired five shots...or six. So tell me, punk.
Do you feel..... lucky?"
                                                Dirty Harry Callahan

"I'll take the .45 longslide with laser sight."
"Hokay."
"I'll take the Uzi in nine millimetre."
"OK"
"A pulse-plasma rifle in the forty-watt range."
"Just what you see, pal!"
                            Arnold Scharzenegger/The Terminator

I am the sword of vengeance, sent to strike down the unroadworthy!
I am the Night Rider
I'm a fuel-injected suicide machine
I am a rocker........
I am a roller........
I'm an out-of-controller!
                                            Mad Max/the Night Rider's chant

It's not whether you win or lose, it's whether I win

neurotics build castles in the sky
psychotics live in them
psychiatrists collect the rent

"Gee, Garry, we're sorry!"
 Larry Flynt of Hustler Magazine, to Congressman Garry Studds (D-MA) for 
sending free issues of his magazine to Studds' office. (Studds had been 
indicted for homosexually assaulting a minor shortly before.)

Warning! The police are armed and dangerous!
                                        Discordian Society saying

Doug Glosson's Law
 If it's dangerous, makes lots of noise, and scares your mama, it's gotta be 
fun!

beyond this line we face the Aliens' stars
they may not lay their law on what is ours
for none but Man stand here
                                  Gordon R. Dickson/None but Man/Hasec's Creed

"Hey, man, let me in, I got the stuff!"
"Who is it?"
"It's me, Dave, let me in, I got the stuff!"
"Dave's not here................"
                                                Cheech & Chong

"These handcuffs are high-tensile steel.
You can saw through the cuffs in five minutes
or you can saw through your ankle in three..."
                                        Mad Max

"the Ayatollah of Rock-and-Rollah!"
                                        Road Warrior

Beware the Qantum Duck! QUARK! QUARK!

                      Answers: $1.00
              Correct answers: $2.00
Answers which require thought: $5.00
Dumb looks are still free                   

This is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world.
Now, I'm not sure if I just fired five shots...or six.
So tell me, punk. Do ya feel....lucky?

I really hate this damn machine,
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want,
But only what I tell it.

_ _ /|
\'o.O`
=(___)=
   U    AAAAAAAAAACCCCKKKKKKK! Snort Barf!

*** Gun control is being able to hit your target.

"Communists are people who have nothing and want to share it with everybody."
                                        Paul Hunter

"As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!"
                                        Arthur Carlson/WKRP in Cincinnati

"You gotta know when to code 'em, know when to modem, know
 when to load 'em up, know when to run.
 You don't count your money when you're sittin' at the keyboard.
 There'll be plenty time for countin' when the program's done."
 - Anonymous

It is written:
                 Baud's wisdom, patience and mercy are
                 infinite, but sometimes certain people
                 piss Him off. These infidels are doomed
                 to the lower levels of the Player Rankings.
                                        TradeWars Lore of Commander Q'Luude

It is written:
                  Sometimes Baud tests the righteousness of
                  a man through tribulation and dispair.
                  And, of course, sometime He just likes
                  to screw around.
                  .
                  The Holy Book of Asynchronous Communications
                  Ch 14 Verse 63

 You can tell when you're a computer addict when:
 You'll get up to go to the bathroom in a few minutes.
 You're seeing the screen in yellow, and you have a green monitor.
 You sit doubled over and scrunched sideways.
 You leave a trail to the bathroom.

 You can tell when you're a computer addict when:
 You'll turn the computer off and watch the rest of Airwolf.
 Everyone else has gone to bed.
 It's 1:15 AM, and you have to get up for work at 5:45.
 You wake up at 4:17 with QWERTY permanently embossed on your face.

 You can tell when you're a computer addict when:
 You talk to someone on the phone, and say, "Well, I'll log off now."
 People wonder why you don't speak English any more.
 You say "I need a couple of floppies," and your mother washes your
 mouth out with soap................

  Welcome to Prayer Central.
  All our circuits are busy right now, but if you will hold we will forward
  your prayer at the first available opportunity.

Three travelers came upon the locked gate to a city. One of the travelers was a
drunk, the second an LSD user, and the third a pot smoker. The drunk said,
"Hey, let's get some dynamite and blow the door down", the LSD guy said,
"Let's just turn ourselves into wisps of smoke and float through the keyhole".
The pot smoker then said, "Why don't we just camp out here 'til the morning
when they unlock the gate?".

                                                           (
                                     \  
               Ͱ 
                                       
                      (
                                                  * POP *

 Documentation, n. Modern English
       1) unintelligible gibberish designed to sell aftermarket
          "How to run <filename>" manuals.
       2) unintelligible gibberish packaged with software to support
          the claim "500 page detailed manual and tutorial!"
       3) unintelligible gibberish written by a technical author with
          no knowledge of electronics, computers, or software.
       4) unintelligible gibberish that proves to completely ignore
          critical information needed by user. (see "suicide")
       5) a nonexistent adjunct to software, (see "self-documenting")
       6) if referring to hardware, a 7th Xerox of a 7th Xerox,
          reduced 50%, written in "Chinglish"
       7) see "CYA"


     g
     LOGOFF [Y/n]
     y
     Destination [1=Heaven 2=Hell 3=Purgatory 4=Atlantic City]
     4
     Departing this mortal coil............
     ATH0
     NO CARRIER


  And Baud said:
                 There shall be One True Format, and its
                 Name shall be ASCII. Woe betide the pagans
                 using EBCDIC and proprietary formats, for
                 they shall be beaten with wet modem cables
                 and cast out of the world of Blue and into
                 the realm of the weird and the Macintosh.
                           .
                           Big Bad Book of Baud
                           Cyclic Redundancy 80:286

 "Well, kid, you can keep the antique weaponry. I'll take a good old blaster 
any time."                              -- Han Solo

May the Force be with you.              -- Obe-Wan Kenobe

"Hit the hyperdrive, Chewie!"           -- Han Solo

Quote for the call:
What fools these morals be!

The speed of the leader determines the rate of the pack.

...and we'll crush the crummy clones
and break their tiny bones
ever onward
ever onward...
                        IBM Death Song

Think!                  -- IBM's motto

Summoning Cthulu.............................................
.............................................................
...Sorry, Cthulu is too cool to see you right now.  But he will send three
Byhakee, two Deep Ones, and a Hunting Horror just to show his appreciation.
.
Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
NO CARRIER
.
(Cthulu Saves - in case he's hungry later!)

Jay Klahr's Law:
 Traffic speed is inversely proportional to urgency.

Last week I couldn't even spell Engineer and now I are one

Where's the blue food?
                                        George Carlin

Think of it as Evolution in action.
                                Niven/Barnes

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.  Republicans
form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.  Republicans hang them on the wall.

Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less fortunate.
Republicans wear theirs.

Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Democrats name their children after currently popular sports figures,
 politicians, and entertainers.  Republican children are named after their
 parents or grandparents, depending on where the money is.

Did you hear about the earthquake committee meeting that was adjourned by a
 motion from the floor?

Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town and was given
 a ticket for making a ewe turn?

Digging oolitic strata,
  Laid in the oligocene,
 Geologists are lost for data--
  Fossils, yes! But ...  A MACHINE???

Dimensions will be expressed in the least convenient terms, e. g.:
 Furlongs per (Fortnight)**2 = Acceleration.

Diplomacy has rarely been able to gain at the conference table what cannot be
 gained or held on the battlefield.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.

Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.

Don't disturb the perimeter
 (meaning don't stir a mess unless you can be sure of the result).

Don't forget to feel sorry for yourself.

Don't get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear
 inspection.

Don't let the fact that you can't do all you want to do keep you from doing
 what you can do.

Don't lose heart ... they might want to cut it out ... and they want to avoid
 a lengthy search.

Don't malign the bug-eyed monster--
  Oh, he kidnaps girls, it's true,
 But bear in mind that all he wants to
  Do is what YOU'RE trying to do.

Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamp-post.

Don't praise the bread until it is baked.

Don't send my boy to Harvard, the dying mother said.
 Don't send my boy to Harvard, I'd rather see him dead.

Don't start something you would be afraid to see finished.

Don't stick your foot in the ashtray, Ed.
                                        -- JWC and RCHM

Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.

Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation--as you grow older, it starts
 avoiding you.  -- The Old Farmer's Almanac

Don't worry about who you step on on the way up if you don't ever plan on
 coming down.

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,
 you can always take something for it.

 Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you
through times of no dope.

Draw your salary before spending it.

Drink Canada Dry! You might not be able to, but it IS fun trying.

Drive is more than motivation.  It is self motivation.

Dust breeds.

Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
                                        -- U. S. Dept. of Labor

Each profession talks to itself in its own unique language.  Apparently there
is no Rosetta Stone.

Eagleson's Law: Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or
more months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
an optimist, the real number is more like 3 weeks.)

Ease leads to habit, as success to ease.

Economy makes men independent.

Emptiness on paper;
  Fleeting thoughts.
 Red Sox play at Fenway's
  Green park.

Enjoy your life. If you don't, no one else will.

Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.

Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
 something his wife can beat him at.

Erma Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Err is basically a synonym for Murphy, but those who quote him over the better
known prophet insist he is as real as Murphy.  The basis for their argument:
(1) his spirit, like Murphy's, is everywhere and (2) Err is human.

Ertz's observation: Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do
with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Even if it can't, it might.  -- A. J. Barton

Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.

Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.

Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95.

Auditors always reject an expense account
with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10.

Auditors are the people who go in after the war
is lost and bayonet the wounded.

Availability of manuscripts in a given subject area is inversely proportional
to the need for books in that area.

Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.

Barr's Hypothesis: Familiarity breeds content.

Be a defensive driver.  Buy a Tiger M31.

Be alert!  America needs more lerts.

Be calm in arguing, for fierceness makes error a fault, and truth discourtesy.

Be careful who you step on on the way up;
you never know who you'll pass on the way down.

Be concise in your writing and talking,
especially when giving instructions to others.

Be courteous.  Have genuine consideration for other people's
feelings, wishes and situations.

Be generous.  Remember that it is the productivity of others that makes
possible your executive position.

Be like a duck--keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the
devil under water.

Be sure to save your money; you never know
when it might be worth something again.

Be tolerant of those who disagree with you--after all,
they have a right to their ridiculous opinions.

Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.

Beck's Motto:
Functionality; All the Functionality; And nothing but the Functionality.

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

Benchley's Distinction:
  There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who
divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.

Benchley's Travel Distinction:
  In America there are two classes of travel: first class and with children.

Better be alone than in bad company.

Better bend than break.

Better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a lamb.

Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.

Beware of people who fall at your feet.
They may be reaching for the corner of the rug.

Beware the fury of a patient man.  -- Dryden

Beware the man who makes cream with his mouth; he winds up making butter with
 his nose.  -- Babbaluche the cobbler

Big people are those who make us feel bigger when we are with them.

Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.

Broken Mirror Law:
  Everyone breaks more than the seven-year bad luck allotment
 to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime.

Brooks Atkinson described a Shubert play as
 "beautiful, if you are deaf and dumb."

Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
 1.  Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse.
 2.  Put the hog on one end of the plank.
 3.  Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly balanced.
 4.  Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.

But if a man happens to find himself ... he has a mansion which he can inhabit
 with dignity all the days of his life.

By definition, when you are investigating the unknown,
 you do not know what you will find.

By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.

By following the good, you learn to be good.

 By the data to date, there is only one animal in the Galaxy dangerous to man
 --man himself. So he must supply his own indispensable competition. He has
 no enemy to help him.  -- Lazarus Long

 By the year 1984 the entire world may be run by computers.
 Digital Equipment Corporation will still be run by people.

Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in fall.

Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you;
if you don't bet, you can't win.  -- Lazarus Long

Charity begins at home.

Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap.

Circular Definition: see Circular Definition.

Classified material is considered lost when it cannot be found.

Collecting more taxes than is absolutely necessary is legalized robbery.

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house
and collided with a tree I don't have.

McDonald's Corollary to Murphy's Law:
In any given set of circumstances, the proper course of action is
determined by subsequent events.

Murphy's Fourth Corollary:
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Murphy's Mathematical Axiom:
For large values of one, one approaches two, for small values of two.

Borkowski's Law:
You can't guard against the arbitrary.

The Parouzzi Principle:
Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.

The Chi Factor:
Quantity = Quality; or, quantity is inversely proportional to quality.

Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy:
If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel full of sewage you get sewage.
If you put a spoonful of sewage in a barrel full of wine, you get sewage.

Frothingham's Fourth Law:
Urgency varies inversely with importance.

De Nevers' Lost Law:
Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.

Young's Law of Inanimate Mobility:
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.

Smith's Law:
No real problem has a solution.

The Schainker Converse to Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.

Big Al's Law:
A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.

The extended Murphy's Law:
If a series of events can go wrong,
it will do so in the worst possible sequence.

Law of the Search:
The first place to look for anything
is the last place you would expect to find it.

Waldrop's Principle:
The person not here is the one working on the problem.

Biondi's Law:
If your project doesn't work, look for the part you didn't think was important.

Disraeli's Dictum:
Error is often more earnest than truth.

Hall's Law:
The means justify the means.
The approach to a problem is more important than its solution.

The Roman Rule:
The one who says it cannot be done should never
interrupt the one who is doing it.

Arthur's Law of Love:
The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the
mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.

Baxter's Law:
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.

McGee's First Law:
It's amazing how long it takes to complete something you are not working on.

Holten's Homily:
The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.

Corollary to Young's Second Law:
Just because it is still standing doesn't mean it is not dead.

Finnigan's Law:
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.

Thompson's Theorem:
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

First Law of Politics:
Stay in with the outs.

Law of Promotional tours:
Jet lag accumulates unit directionally toward maximum difficulty to perform.

Robbings' Mini-max Rule of Government:
Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.

Kohn's Corollary to Murphy's Law:
Two wrong's are only the beginning.

Horowitz's Rule:
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.

De Nevers' Law of Complexity:
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.

Hartz's Uncertainty Principle:
Ambiguity is invariant.

 De Nevers' Law of Debate:
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

Emerson's Observation:
In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.

McClellan's Law of Cognition:
Only new categories escape the stereotyped
thinking associated with old abstractions.

Christie-Davies' Theorem:
If your facts are wrong but your logic is perfect, then your conclusions are
inevitably false. Therefore, by making mistakes in your logic, you have at
least a random chance of coming to a correct conclusion.

Hiram's Law:
If you consult enough experts you can confirm any opinion.

Jordan's Law:
An informant who never produces misinformation is too deviant to be trusted.

Las Vegas Law:
Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is bound to change.

Van Roy's Second Law:
If you can distinguish between good advice
and bad advice, then you don't need advice.

Munder's Corollary to Howe's Law:
Everyone who does not work has a scheme that does.

Bralek's Rule for Success:
Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you when things go wrong.

Paulsen's Prophesy:
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

Principle of Design Inertia:
Any change looks terrible at first.

Law of Gardening:
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.

Robertson's Law:
Quality assurance doesn't.

Wright's First Law of Quality:
Quality is inversely proportional to the time
left for completion of the project.

First Law of Corporate Planning:
Anything that can be changed will be changed until
there is no time left to change anything.

Beach's Law:
No two identical parts are alike.

Meissner's Law:
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.

MacPherson's Theory of Entropy:
It requires less energy to take an object
out of its proper place than to put it back.

Special Law:
The workbench is always more untidy than last time.

Corollary to Schrank's First Law:
The greater the magnitude, the less notice will be taken that it does not work.

Kaiser's Comment on Zymurgy:
Never open a can of worms unless you plan to go fishing.

Harper's Magazine Law:
You never find an article until you replace it.

Richard's Complementary Rules of Ownership:
  1.  If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
  2.  If you throw it away, you will need it the next day.

First Law of Revision:
Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to
the designer after - and only after - the plans are complete.
                              (Often called the "Now They Tell Us!" Law.)

Law of Applied Confusion:
The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that
supports 75% of the balance of the shipment:

Corollary to Law of Applied Confusion:
Not only did the plant forget to ship it,
50% of the time they haven't even made it.

Second Law of Applied Confusion:
Truck deliveries that normally take one day
will take five when you are waiting for the truck.

Bitton's Postulate on State-Of-The-Art Electronics:
If you understand it, it's obsolete.

Manubay's First Law for Programmers:
If a programmer's modification of an existing program works,
it's probably not what the users want.

Manubay's Second Law for Programmers:
Users don't know what they really want, 
but they know for certain what they don't want.

Edwards' Time/Effort Law:
Effort x Time = Constant
  A.  Given a large initial time to do something, the initial
      effort will be small.
  B.  As time goes to zero, effort goes to infinity.

Corollary to Edwards' Time/Effort Law:
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Jose's Axiom:
Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.

Corollary to Jose's Axiom:
Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary.

Washlesky's Law:
Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.

Rudnicki's Rule:
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction:
If you take something apart and put it back together enough
times, eventually you will have two of them.

Freivald's Law:
Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.

Reverend Chichester's Laws:
If the bulletin covers are in short supply,
church attendance will exceed all expectations.

Tenenbaum's Law of Replicability:
The most interesting results happen only once.

Souder's Law:
Repetition does not establish validity.

Tillis' Organization Principle:
If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it.
If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

Hanggi's Law:
The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.

Corollary to Hanggi's Law:
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

Cerf's Comments on Modern Science:
  1.  If it's incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
  2.  If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.

Young's Comment on Scientific Method:
You can't get here from there.

Macbeth's Comment on Evolution:
The best is not ipso facto a good theory.

The Sagan Fallacy:
To say a human being is nothing but molecules is like
saying a Shakespearean play is nothing but words.

Murphy's Uncertainty Principle:
You can know something has gone wrong only when
you make an odd number of mistakes.

The Banana Principle:
If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, there won't be any left
by the time they are ripe. If you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.

The Pineapple Principle:
The best parts of anything are always impossible
to remove from the worst parts.

Walker's Law of the Household:
There is always more dirty laundry than clean laundry.

Pope's Law:
Chipped dishes never break.

Woodside's Grocery Principle:
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

Paul's Law:
You can't fall off the floor.
   Chapman's Commentary on Paul's Law:
   It takes children three years to learn Paul's Law.

Snider's Law:
Nothing can be done in one trip.

Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

Boren's Law For Cats:
When in doubt, wash.

Gerard's Law:
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks
to clear.  When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

Law of Supermarkets:
The quality of the house brand varies inversely 
with the size of the supermarket chain.

Pantuso's First Law:
The book you spent $10.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

Goldenstern's Rules:
  1.  Always hire a rich attorney.
  2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.

Vile's Law of Value:
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.

Fagin's Rule on Past Prediction:
Hindsight is an exact science.

Meskimen's Law:
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

Hutchison's Law:
If a situation requires undivided attention, it will occur
simultaneously with a compelling distraction.

Feinberg's Second Principle:
Memory serves its own master.

Murray's Laws:
  1.  Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
  2.  Never ask a salesman if his is a good price.

Sigstad's Law:
When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.

The Poker Principle:
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Murphy's Constant:
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Stitzer's Vacation Principle:
When packing for a vacation, take half as much clothing and twice
as much money.

Eng's Principle:
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.

Stenderup's Law:
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

Wagner's Law of Sports Coverage:
When the camera isolates on a male athlete, he will spit, pick or scratch.

Dorr's Law of Athletics:
In an otherwise empty locker room,
any two individuals will have adjoining lockers.

Law of Practice:
Plays that work in theory do not work in practice.
Plays that work in practice do not work during the game.

Phillip's Law:
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.

Edds' Law of Radiology:
The colder the X-Ray table, the more of your body you are
required to place on it.

Crosby's Law:
You can tell how bad a musical is by how many times the chorus yells "hooray."

Fulton's Law of Gravity:
The effort to catch a falling, breakable object will produce more
destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.

Rush's Rule of Gravity:
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall
nearby while all other coins will roll out of sight.

Vile's First Law of Linesmanship:
If you're running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.

Vile's Second Law of Linesmanship:
When you're waiting in a long line, the people behind you are
shunted to a new, short line.

Vile's Third Law of Linesmanship:
If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.

Vile's Fourth Law of Linesmanship:
If you're in a short line, the people in front let in their
friends and relatives and make it a long line.

Vile's Fifth Law of Linesmanship:
A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.

Vile's Sixth Law of Linesmanship:
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

McLaughlin's Law:
In a key position in every genealogy you will find a John Smith from London.

Howden's Law:
You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox.

First Law of Postal Delivery:
Love letters, business contracts and money you are due always
arrive three weeks late.

Second Law of Postal Delivery:
Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

Maahs' Law:
Things go right so they can go wrong.

Young's Third Law:
It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.

Hoffer's Law:
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

Porkingham's Second Law of Sportfishing:
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.

Corollary to Porkingham's Second Law of Sportfishing:
The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater the
chance of having to stop at the fish market on the way home.

Porkingham's Third Law of Sportfishing:
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.

McClaughry's Law of Zoning:
Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly.
Where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down.

First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.

First Workshop Principle:
The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one missing from
the tool chest.

Second Workshop Principle:
Most projects require three hands.

Third Workshop Principle:
Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.

Fourth Workshop Principle:
The more carefully you plan a project, the more confusion there
is when something goes wrong.

Zappa's Law:
There are two things on earth that are universal:  Hydrogen and stupidity.

Grelb's Reminder:
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above-average drivers.

Munder's Theorem:
For every "10" there are 10 "1's."

Dykstra's Law:
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Meyer's Law:
In a social situation, that which is most difficult to do is
usually the right thing to do.

Steve Young's Principle on Emergent Individuation:
Everybody wants to peel his own banana and have his $40 mil, too.

Cohen's Second Law:
People are divided into only two groups - the righteous and the
unrighteous - and the righteous do the dividing.

Rule of the Open Mind:
People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worst.

"He goes through life, with his mouth open and his mind shut."

"In closing..." is always followed by the other half of the speech.

"Off the top of the head ideas" are often like dandruff - small and flaky.

"Push" is the force exerted on the door marked PULL.

"What hath God wrought!"
  - First telegraph message: sent from Washington to Baltimore by Samuel Morse

The trouble with being a breadwinner today is that the
government gets such a big slice.

10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.

Moral indignation permits envy or hate to be acted out as a virtue

Sometimes a banana is just a banana.
                                        Sigmund Freud

Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be
 appointed to do the work.

  This guy was walking through the desert when he found a magic lamp.
He picked the lamp up and rubbed the side of it.  Sure enough, a
genie popped out.  The genie said, "Thank you for getting me out of
that lamp.  In return, I will grant you one wish."  So the guy thought
about it and said, "I want a foreign car dealership in a major
metropolitan city."  Pooof, he had a Chrysler dealership in Tokyo...
