
  "O Telenet, O Telenet, how num'rous are your indials...
  "O Telenet, O Telenet, we must be gooo-ing senile..
  (then the chorus, in Racal-Vadic speak)
 "Hello, Hello, INVALID CODE, ATZ OK MANUAL ANSWER MODE
  (finally, the invokation)
 "O Telenet, O Telenet, **** POSSIBLE DATA LOSS **** NO CARRIER"

I/O! I/O! It's off to work we go -  I/O!

"Look, Tonto, Indians! We might be in for trouble."
"What you mean, "we", white man?"

A politician is someone who would do anything for "the common man" except
become one.

"Look, here comes the U-boat commander!"
                                - Risky Business

Byte my disk!

 Trust me, I know what I'm doing..........

Biology grows on you.

Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.

 A sysop is a moron, a useless kinda clod,
 He spends his days composing text, and thinks himself a god.
 He cannot hold his liquor, his bladder's like a sieve.
 This introverted sorry swine, has no real right to live.
      Chorus: Oh sysop sysop go away and leave our BB be,
      We do not want to see your face on DECWAR or CB.
 A sysop is a nerdnose, a chowder-headed punk,
 I wonder, Sysop in the sky, Why do you spawn this breed?
 Of egotistic impotents who haven't learned to read.
      Chorus: Oh sysop sysop go away and leave our BB be,
      We do not want to see your face on DECWAR or CB.
 A sysop is contented;
 His blighted worldview sings a song of disco melody.
 A sysop is a greedy fool, an impish sort of snot,
 A sysop is the kind of man Will Rogers would have shot.
      Chorus: Oh sysop sysop go away and leave our BB be,
      We do not want to see your face on DECWAR or CB.

"We all live in a yellow subroutine, a yellow subroutine, a yellow subroutine.
We all live in a yellow subroutine..."
                                with no apologies whatsoever to John Lennon

 "If you give this man a byte, sweet carrier will die."
                                with no apologies whatsoever to Jim Morrison

                  
                   Ŀ 
                   C>                  
                                       
                                       
                                       
                                       
                                       
                      ķ
                    Ľ
        
         AT     
        
          
        
        


                       Ŀ
                        Ŀ 
                        C>           
                                     
                                     
                                     
                         
                       
Ŀ    Ŀ
       Ŀ           ĿĿ 
                 AT    ͳͳ 
       ͵    Ŀ
     



             /\
        /\ _/
       / /  \
        / oo \
       (_\  |_)
        / \@___
   //  / |     |
  ((  /  | (*) |
   \\/ \ |__U__|     _____
    \  /__||\\_     / FIDO \
     \_)  |_)\_)   (________)


'tis an ill wind that blows no minds.

Programmers to it with jumps and loops.

C:DOS
C:DOS RUN
RUN DOS RUN
RUN RUN RUN

Oooh, Junior Barnes.... Juunior Ba-arnes .... YOU GUNKIE!
                                - Bill Cosby

Class... cla-ass ....CLASS.... SHUT UP!
thank-you
                                        Sister Mary Elephant

Tonto, don't go to town!
                                - Bill Cosby

How do you tell if a person likes MooseHead?
look for antler marks on their thighs...

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.

"Run away! Run away!"
"But sir, don't you mean 'retreat', sir?"
"No! The British never retreat! Run away!"
                                        Monty Python/The Meaning of Life

"How much can a sparrow lift?"
"English or African?"
"Hmm....I don't knOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW...AAAHHHHHH........."
                                        Monty Python/The Holy Grail

 t$Bad unit$Not ready$Bad command $Data$Bad call format$Seek$Non-DOS
 disk$Sector not found$No paper$Write fault$Read fault$General
 Failure$Sharing Violation$Lock Violation$Invalid Disk Change$FCB
 unavailable$Sharing buffer exceeded$Please Insert disk


"I can feel it.  My mind.  It's going, Dave.  I can feel it."


"The human brain, though small, can occaisionally be useful."
                                        - Doctor Who

Hal's Modem Missionary Commandoes are watching you!

Big Brother is watching you!

Our Constitutional guarantee of freedom OF religion is also a guarantee of
freedom FROM religion.                  - Melissa Finley

Confucius Say:
Better to close mouth and appear stupid than to open mouth and remove all doubt.

A fault recognized is half corrected.

A diamond is just a lump of coal that made good under pressure.

Programmer:
 A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

Anybody can be born right-handed. Only the best of us overcome it.

"The answer is 42."
                                from The Hitchhiker's Guide

"RELAX! It's only ONES and ZEROS!"

"Real programmers don't document.
If it was hard to write it should be hard to understand."

"DISK FULL?"

"Dave, I have a projected failure on the Alpha-Echo
three five unit within 72 hours..."

"I want it free and I want it yesterday."

"Anyone care for a jellybaby?"
                                        - Doctor Who

Travel by TARDIS:
It's not necessarily faster, but it is definitely more interesting!


Absolute power is absolutely delightful.

Action's Law
        Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Albrecht's Law
        Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.

Allen's (or Cann's) Axiom
        When all else fails, read the instructions.

Boren's First Law
        When in doubt, mumble.

Bove's Theorem
        The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal
        increases as the deadline approaches.

Bowie's Theorem
        If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.

Canada Bill JOnes' Motto
        It's morally wrong to allow naive end users to keep their money.

Cann's (or Allen's) Axiom
        When all else fails, read the instructions.

Carlson's Consolation
  Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example.

Cohn's Law
        The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less
        time you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend
        all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.

Correspondence Corollary
        An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half of your
        data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.

Cropp's Law
        The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent
        in the office.

Cutler Webster's Law
        There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally
        involved, in which case there is only one.

Deadline-Dan's Demo Demonstration
        The higher the "higher-ups" are who've come to see your demo, the
        lower your chances are of giving a successful one.

Demian's Observation
        There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and
        should read "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE".

Denniston's Law
        Virtue is its own punishment.

Dow's Law
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.

Dr. Caligari's Come-back
        A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of
        work without performing a backup.

Estridge's Law
        No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can
        redefine it.

First Rule of History
        History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.

Franklin's Rule
        Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be
        disappointed.

Gilb's Laws of Unreliability
    1) At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
        find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
        the computer.
    2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
    3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
        errors, which by definition are limited.
    4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable
        cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work
        done.

Glyme's Formula for Success
        The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've
        got it made.

Gordon's First Law
  If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not worth doing well.

Government's Law
        There is an exception to all laws.

Green's Law of Debate
        Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

Gummidges's Law
        The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number
        of statements understood by the general public.

Gumperson's Law
        The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional
        to its desirability.

Harp's Corollary to Estridge's Law
        Your "IBM PC-compatible" computer grows more incompatible with every
        passing moment.

Hinds' Law of Computer Programming
    1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
    2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
    3) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
    4) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
    5) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
    6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
        programmer who must maintain it.
    7) Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and
        you will find that programmers cannot write in English.

Jenkinson's Law
        It won't work.

Johnson-Laird's Law
        Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.

Larkinson's Law
        All laws are basically false.

The Last One's Law of Program Generators
        A program generator creates programs that are more "buggy" than
        the program generator.

Lieberman's Law
        Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens.

Lynch's Law
        When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Mason's First Law of Synergism
        The one day you'd sell you soul for something, souls are a glut.

May's Law
        The quality of correlation is inverely proportional to the density
        of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)

Mencken's Law
        There is always an easy answer to every human problem -- neat,
        plausible, and wrong.

Meskimen's Law
        There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.

Muir's Law
        When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to
        everything else in the universe.

Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics
        Things get worse under pressure.

Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules
        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the
        time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

Nolan's Placebo
        An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Oliver's Law of Location
        No matter where you are, there you are.

O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen
        Cleanliness is next to impossible.

Parkinson's Law
        Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.

Parkinson's Law, Modified
        The components you have will expand to fill the available space.

The Peter Principle:
        In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of his
        incompetence.

Pudder's Law
        Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of
        Pudder's law is not true.)

Rhode's Corollary to Hoare's Law
        Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine
        struggling to be free.

Rudin's Law
        In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses
        of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.

Rule of Accuracy
        When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps you to
        know the answer.

Ryan's Law
        Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish
        yourself as an expert.

SNAFU EQUATIONS
    1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns.
    2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available.
    3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
    4) Interchangeable devices won't.
    5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and
        fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible
        to everyone else.
    6) Badness comes in waves.

Thoreau's Theories of Adaptation
    1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's
        commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new
        command structure.
    2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in
        the system, the system is revised, the "bug" taken away, and you're
        left with a useless routine.
    3) Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariable lead
        to work in improving user's "computer literacy".
    4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!

Thyme's Law
        Everything goes wrong at once.

The Law of the Too Solid Goof
        In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct
        beyond all need of checking contain the errors.
    Corollary 1: No one you ask for help will see the error either.
    Corollary 2: Any nagging intruder, who stops by with unsought advice,
        will spot it immediately.

Unnamed Law
        If it happens, it must be possible.

Weinberg's Corollary
        An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to
        the grand fallacy.

Whitehead's Law
        The obvious answer is always overlooked.

Wilcox's Law
        A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Wood's Axiom
        As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a
        life-or-death situation, the power fails.

Woodward's Law
        A theory is better than its explanation.

Laws of Project Management
1. No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, with the
   staff that started it.  Yours will not be the first.
2. Projects progress quickly until they become 90 percent complete, then
   they remain at 90 percent complete forever.
3. One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid the
   embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs.
4. When things are going well, something will go wrong.
   When things just can't get any worse, they will.
   When things appear to be going better you have overlooked something.
5. If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of change will
   exceed the rate of progress.
6. No system is ever completely debugged. Attempts to debug a system
   inevitably introduce new bugs that are even harder to find.
7. A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to complete
   than expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long.
8. Project teams detest progress reporting because it vividly manifests their
   lack of progress.

Goodbye, ciao, auf wiedersehen, aloha, adieu, au revoir, adios, addio, adeus,
dag, adj, farvel, do widzenia, sbohen, zbogom, hyvasti, over and out,
istenhozzd, allaha ismarladik, selemat tinggal, adia, do zvidnia, andi'o,
ila al-laqaa, shalom, seid gezund, sayoonara, kwaheri

WOW! That's great! Far out! Groovy! Amazing! I'm impressed! Sincerely! Boss!
Neat! Swell! Heavy! Intense! Tuff! Bad! Cool! Sharp! Maximum! Super! Choice!
Fair dinkum! Excellent! Decent!

 Cumquat boysenberry Jacuzzi Buster Pointdexter.  Puddle poodle paddle
puddle potpourri yuppy.  Luge camrod spew zoom spiffy voodoo boogie.
Disco zit berserk clone flume tuba. Diode divot booger bunji cord!

Q:  If George Orwell were alive and hacking today, what would be his
    favorite programming language?
A:  C -- because it's double plus good!

Q:  Why did the assembly langauge programmer go to the Christmas party
    dressed in a Halloween costume?
A:  Because Dec 25 = Oct 31

Q:  What is a C programmer's favorite march?
A:  Under the Double Equal

   A motorist was driving through North Carolina and found he was low on gas.
He pulled in at a small-town gas station, had the attendant fill 'er up, paid
the attendant, and waited for him to come back with the change. A couple of
minutes later, he came back with not just the change, but also a jug and a
shotgun.
  The attendant gave the motorist his change and offered the man a drink from
the jug. The motorist politely refused. The attendant pointed the shotgun at
the motorist, gave him the jug, and growled, "When I say 'have a drink', you
HAVE A DRINK - a BIG one!"
  The motorist took a big swallow from the jug. "Ugh!! That's AWFUL!!"
  The attendent took back the jug, gave the gun to the motorist, and said,
"Good.  Now YOU make ME take a drink!"

 "You can tell it's going to be a rotten day when you wake up face down
  on the pavement........."

Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory.

               There once was a young laddie named Vern
               Who thought with a BBS t'was his turn
                 Of files he had few
                 But give him his due
               There's much he could teach, and we'll learn.


There is no tyranny in the state of confusion.

No girdle ever cured a pregnancy.

Freedom defined is freedom denied.

Egotism is the drug that soothes the pain of stupidity.


  The only difference between the fool, and the criminal who attacks a system
is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front.
GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #3

Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to the inherent
unreliability of the system in which they are used.
GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #5

The error-detection and correction capabilities of any system are the key to
understanding the type of errors which they cannot handle.
GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #6

All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise - which is impossible.
GILB'S LAW OF COMPUTER RELIABILITY #8


Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe
you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint upon it and he'll have to touch it
to be sure.

If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

"A slow sort of country!" said the Queen. "Now, here, you see, it
takes all you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to
get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!"
                        - Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. "Where shall I begin,
please your Majesty ?" he asked. "Begin at the beginning,", the
King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end:
then stop."
                         - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland


None of the errors was found.
                              - Compiler message, Micro Data Base Systems


The confidence of ignorance will always overcome the indecision of knowledge.

Designed with your mind in mind by people who have in mind what you
should have in mind.

Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.

America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of
aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.


Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology
   1)  No action is without side-effects.
   2)  Nothing ever goes away.
   3)  There is no free lunch.

Harvard Law
   Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
   temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
   organism will do as it damn well pleases.

Asked what he thought of Western civilization,
 M. K. Gandhi said, "I think it would be an excellent idea".

A committee is a cul-de-sac down which ideas
are lured and then quietly strangled.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.

Observation, and not old age, brings wisdom.

Every heart hath its own ache.

A man gazing at the stars is at the mercy of every puddle on the road.

Coincidence is common; it may be the rule.

Condense soup, not books.

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.

Confusion in a bureaucracy creates jobs.

Conscience doesn't keep you from doing what you shouldn't,
just from enjoying it.

Conscience is that inner voice that warns us someone may be looking.

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.

Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truths than lies.

Cooperation is doing with a smile what you have to do anyway.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.

Count the day won when, turning on its axis
The earth imposes no additional taxes

Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, if you are all thumbs.

Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs

Creditors have much better memories than debtors.

Crime wouldn't pay, even if the government ran it.

Cut to fit, beat into place.

Daisies of the world unite!  You have nothing to lose but your chains.

Dead men tell no tales, but many have biographers who do.

Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Delay is the deadliest form of denial.

Democracy: A process by which the people are free to choose who gets the blame.

Deprive a mirror of its silver, and even the Czar won't see his face.

Despite color radar, computers, etc. The 'Farmer's Almanac' still beats News 8.

Digger's Rule: More dirt comes out of a hole than you can get back into it.

Digital circuits are made from analog parts.

Diplomacy is the art of fishing tranquilly in troubled waters.

Diplomat: A person who can be disarming, even though his country isn't.

Direct action produces direct reaction.

Discs travel in packs.

Distance doesn't make you smaller, it does make you part of a larger picture.

Do a silly test and you get a silly result.

Do it now!  There may be a law against it tomorrow.

Do it tomorrow - you've made enough mistakes for one day.

Do married women make the best wives?

Do unto others before they undo you.

Don't be so broad minded that your brains fall out.

Don't believe in flying saucers?  Pinch a waitress!

Don't believe that the model is reality.

Don't comment bad code -- rewrite it!

Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.

Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers!

Don't despair, your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner.

Don't ever confuse motion with progress.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, but check for Greek soldiers elsewhere.

Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.

Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.

Don't quit now, we might as well lock the door and throw away the key.

Don't spend your gross salary.

Don't stand up to be counted or someone will take your seat.

Don't stop at one bug.

Don't try to have the last word, you might get it.

Don't wear earmuffs in a land of rattlesnakes.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Drilling for oil is boring.

Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.

Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.

Ecologists believe that a bird in the bush is worth two in the hand.

Economics: A study of how men make money and how women spend it.

Editing is a rewording activity.

Education has so much to learn.

Education helps learning capacity.  Ask any college professor.

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

Egotism is nature's compensation for mediocrity.

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.

Egotists are always me-deep in converstation.

Either this life I'm in is dream-like or this dream I'm in is very lifelike.

Eliminate government waste no matter how much it costs.

Ely's Law: Wear the right costume and the part plays itself.

Engineers can catch misspellings only in words written by non-engineers.

Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot.

Engineers never die - They just lose their tolerance.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Epigrams are macros, since they are executed at read time.

Equal bytes for women.

Equal opportunities are for the dead.

Error is often more earnest than truth.

Established technology tends to exist in spite of new technology.

Even if you did understand the opposite sex, you wouldn't believe it.

Even if you don't believe in principle, you can still collect the interest.

Even paranoids have enemies.

Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.

Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.

Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.

Every clarification breeds new questions.

Every instructor assumes you have nothing to do but study that instrs. course.

Every new opinion, when it's starting, is precisely in the minority of one.

Every program is part of some other program and rarely fits.

Every silver lining has a cloud around it.

Every society honors its live conformists and its dead troublemakers.

Every successful person has had failure, but failure is no guarantee of success.

Every time I close the door on Reality, it comes in through the window.

Every time I lose weight it finds me again!

Every time an artist dies, part of the vision of mankind passes with him.

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

Everything in a plain brown wrapper is dirty.

Everything is a system.

Everything is controlled by a small evil group - to which I don't belong.

Everything is part of a larger system.

Everything put together, sooner or later, falls apart.

Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.

Examine the contents, not the bottle - The Talmud

Exceptions always outnumber rules.

Excuse me, I'll be just a nanosecond...

Expenditures rise to meet income.

Experience is one thing you have plenty of when you're too old to get the job.

Experience is something you get after you need it.

Experience is the worst teacher. It gives the test before presenting the lesson.

Extremes meet.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

Facts to not cease to exist because they are ignored.

Failure is more frequently from want of energy than from lack of it.

Fallible men design fallible computers.

Family reunions are all relative.

Federal regulatory agencies are self canceling.

Figures rarely lie; liars frequently figure.

First Rule of Acting: Whatever happens, make it look as if it were intended.

First Rule of the IRS: The wages of sin are unreported.

First law of bridge: It's always your partner's fault.

First law of mathematics: The answer has to look right.

First rule of tinkering:  Save all the parts.

First say NO, then negotiate.

Flattery is the sincerest form of lying.

Flee at once!  All is discovered!

Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground... and missing!

Fools rush in - and get the best seats.

For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.

For every vision, there's an equal and opposite revision.

For those of you who think life is a joke, just think of the punchline.

For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.

Forgive me now, for tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty!

Fortunately, the wheel was invented before the car.

Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience.

Four-wheel-drive just means that you will get stuck in more inaccesible places.

Free verse is the triumph of mind over meter.

Friction is a drag.

Friendships, like marriages - are dependent on avoiding the unforgivable.

Fudd's First Law: If you push something hard enough it will fall over.

Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.

GIVE:  Support the helpless victims of computer error.

Gargling twice a day is a good way to see if your neck leaks.

Geneticists are often found cloning around!

Genius is the talent of a man who is dead.

Genius starts at the top and works up.

Geometer turned general - a sphereless leader.

Get off your ASCII.

Give a bald man a comb; he'll never part with it.

Give a difficult task to a lazy man - he will find and easy way to do it.

Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo.

Give a woman an inch, she'll park her car in it.

Given any problem containing 'n' equations, there will be 'n+1' unknowns.

Given a thimblefull of facts, we rush to make generalizations as large as a tub.

Go directly to jail.  Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.00.

Go to bed late, get up early, makes a man cross, mean and surly.

God still seems to be helping those who take a big helping for themselves.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Good communication is as stimulating as black coffee, and as hard to sleep after

Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

Good leaders are scarce - try following yourself.

Good sense about trivialities is better than nonsense about things that matter.

Got Mole problems?  Call Avogadro at 6.02 X 10

Government corruption is always reported in the past tense.

Graffiti has changed deface of the nation.

Gravity brings me down.

Great wits are to madness near allied/And thin partitions do their bounds divide

Greatness is a transitory experience, it is never consistent.

HANDY EXCUSE: I didn't know you were in a hurry for it.

HANDY EXCUSE: That's the way we've always done it.

HANDY EXCUSE: That's not my department.

HANDY EXCUSE: Wait till the boss comes back and ask him.

HANDY EXCUSE: We don't make many mistakes here.

HELP!  I'm trapped inside a human body!

Habit is the easiest way to be wrong again.

Half of life's experiences are below average in satisfaction.

Half the people in this country are below median intelligence.

Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others.

Happiness depends on what you think, not where you are.

Happiness is a warm puppy with an empty bladder.

Happiness is twin floppies.

Hard where?  Soft where?

Hasty schizophrenics do things in a lickity split way.

Have you noticed how those who deal in absolutes...are generally quite humorless

He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.

He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent.

He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.

He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.

He uses statistics as drunks use a lamppost; support rather than illumination.

He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.

Committee Rules: (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
                                        -- Harry Chapman

Committee Rules: (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
 stamps you as being wise.  -- Harry Chapman

Committee Rules: (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
 others.  -- Harry Chapman

Committee Rules: (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
                                        -- Harry Chapman

Committee Rules: (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
 popular--it's what everyone is waiting for.
                                        -- Harry Chapman

Compared with everything else in data processing, paper is cheap; use it. But
 the value of a report decreases as the number of its pages increases.

Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
 wish you weren't.

Consider the Malevolent Universe Theory: it really IS out to get you!


Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.

Count the day won when, turning on its axis,
 This earth imposes no additional taxes.

Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is fearless cannot be courageous.
 (He is also a fool.)  -- Lazarus Long

Cows may come and cows may go, but the bull in this place goes on FOREVER!!!

Crab apples may not be the best kind of fruit; but a tree which every year
 bears a great crop of crab apples is better worth cultivating than a tree
 which bears nothing.

Crane's Rule: There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
 someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Croll's Query: If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?

Cultivate a consistently pessimistic outlook.

Time travelers cut 'em off at the past!

Damon Runyon's Law: The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the
 strong, but that's the way to bet.

Data Potato ... du wop ... du wop !!!

Deadlock's Law: If the lawmakers make a compromise, the place where it will be
                felt the most is the taxpayer's pocket.

Dear God, make me a good boy, but it's all right with me if you'd like to take
 Your time about it.

