
1. Do not think dishonestly.
2. The Way is in training.
3. Become aquainted with every art.
4. Know the Ways of all professions.
5. Distinguish between gain and loss in worldly matters.
6. Develop intuitive judgement and understanding for everything.
7. Perceive those things which cannot be seen.
8. Pay attention even to trifles.
9. Do nothing which is of no use.
                                Kensei Miyamoto Musashi, the Ni Ten Ichi Ryo

The gaze should be large and broad. This is the twofold gaze "Perception and 
Sight." Perception is strong and sight weak. 
 In strategy it is important to see distant things as if they were close and 
to take a distanced view of close things. It is important in strategy to know 
the enemy's sword and not to be distracted by insignificant movements of his 
sword. You must study this. The gaze is the same for single combat and for 
large-scale strategy.
                                Kensei Miyamoto Musashi, the Ni Ten Ichi Ryo

If you try to wield the long sword quickly you will mistake the Way. To wield 
the long sword you must wield it calmly. If you try to wield it quickly, like 
a folding fan or a short sword, you will err by using "short sword chopping." 
You cannot cut a man with a long sword using this method.
                                Kensei Miyamoto Musashi, the Ni Ten Ichi Ryo

1. Never be first. 2. Never be last. 
3. Never volunteer for anything.

5th Law of the Office:
Vital papers will move from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.

A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.

Addendum to Murphy's Law:
In precise mathematical terms 1 + 1 = 2, where "=" is a symbol
meaning "seldom if ever."

  An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better
than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
               H. L. Mencken

Anthony's Shop Law:
Any tool dropped will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
               H. L. Menchen

Arcana Coelestica:
  Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank
superior to that obtained by Christ.
               H. L. Menchen

Allen's Distinction:
  The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.

Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
               H. L. Menchen

Avery's Observation:
  It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
pick up something from the floor while you get up.

Anthony's Law of Force: 
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Alan's Corollary:
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane.

Alan's Law:
All things being equal, you lose.

Alan's Law of Research:
The theory is supported as long as the funds are.

Alan's Law of Success:
If at first you succeed, you have no idea what you're doing.

Alan's Corollary on Time:
Time sucks!

Alan's Motto:
It's easier to make true enemies than true friends.

Alan's View on Life:
Life's a bitch, time's a bastard, then you die and get over it.

An honest politician is one who, when bought, stays bought.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.

Always draw your curves then plot the readings.

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. (Rick Heming's FAVORITE!)

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

Ahhhhhhhh,                     I forget what I was going to say.

Arthur's Law of Love: 
People to whom you are attracted think you remind them of someone else.

Alexander Bell's Theorem: 
When a body is immersed in water, the phone rings.

Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.

Beware of the man who works hard to learn something,
learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is
full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant
without having come by their ignorance the hard way.
    - Bokonon

Brenda's Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.

Bolings's Postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Byrne's Law of Concreting: 
When you pour, it rains.

Benchley's Law of Distinction:
  There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe
there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

Bocklage's Law:
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

Berra's Law:
  You can observe a lot just by watching.

Beckhap's Law:
  Beauty times brains equals a constant.

Bedfellows make strange politicians.

Blair's Observation:
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.

Bicycle Law:
  All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:
  A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock.
  A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock.
  A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock.

Beryl's Law: 
The "CONSUMER REPORT" on the item will come out a week after you buy the item.

Cheops' Law:
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Conway's Law:
  In every organization there will always be one person
who knows what is going on.
  This person must be fired.

Churchill's commentary on man:
  Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.

Crane's law:
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.

Clark's Law: The only way to discover the limits of the
possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.

Colson's Law:
  When you've got them by the balls, their hearts
and minds will follow.

Cohen's Law:
  What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on
the facts, not the facts themselves.

Corollary to Porkingham's Second Law of Sportfishing:
The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater the
chance of having to stop at the fish market on the way home.

Comin's Law:
  People will accept your idea much more readily if you
tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.

Cornuelle's Law:
Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.

Clarke's First Law:
  When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that
something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he
states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.

Corollary to Law of Applied Confusion:
Not only did the plant forget to ship it,
50% of the time they haven't even made it.

Clarke's Third Law:
  Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.

Cole's Axiom:
  The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;
the population is growing.

Clive's Rebuttal to Walker's Law:
If it's clean, it isn't laundry.

Corollary to Hanggi's Law:
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.

Corollary to Edwards' Time/Effort Law:
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

Cooper's Metalaw: 
A proliferation of new laws creates a proliferation of new loopholes.

Charnock's Law: 
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Cheit's Lament: If you help a friend in need he's sure to
remember you - the next time he's in need.

Ducharme's Precept:
  Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Drew's Law:
The client who pays the least complains the most.

Doane's Second Law of Procrastination:
The slower one works, the fewer mistakes one makes.

  Democracy is the theory that the common people know what
they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
               H.L. Menchen

de la Lastra's Law:
  After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed
from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong
access cover has been removed.
 
de la Lastra's Corollary:
  After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws,
it will be discovered that the gasket has been ommitted.

  Don't get mad, get even.

Design flaws travel in groups.

De Nevers' Law of Debate:
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.

Devries' Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, 
the one you don't want will hit the paper.

De Nevers' Law of Complexity:
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.

Doyle's Law: No matter how many share a cab,
each puts the full fare on their expense account.

Don`t force it, get a larger hammer.

Dykstra's Law: 
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Diner's Dilemma: 
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.

Ehrman's Law: 
Things will get worse before they get better. Who said they'll get better?

Esther's Law:
The fussiest person will be the one to get the chipped coffee
cup, the glass with lipstick or the hair in the food.

Etorre's observation: 
The other line always moves faster.

Ely's Key to Success:
Create a need, and fill it.

Evans' and Bjorn's Law: 
No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody who knew it would.

Finagle's First Law: 
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Finagle's First Rule: 
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.

Finagle's Second Rule: 
Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.

Finagle's Third Rule: 
Always draw your curves first, then plot your data.

Finagle's Fourth Rule: 
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Finagle's Fifth Rule: 
Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.

Finagle's Sixth Rule:
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.

Finagle's Eighth Rule: 
Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.

First Postulate of Isomurphism:
  Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.

First Law of Laboratory Work:
  Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.

Forgive and remember.

First Law of Travel: 
It always takes longer to get there than to get back.

First Workshop Principle:
The one wrench or drill bit you need will be
the one missing from the tool chest.

Fahnestock's Rule:
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Fiske's Teenage Corollary: 
The stomach expands to accomodate the amount of junk food available.

Fett's Law of the Lab: 
Never replicate a successful experiment.

Fagin's Rule on Past Prediction:
Hindsight is an exact science.

First Rule of Superior Inferiority:
Don't let your superiors know you're superior to them.

The pet principle: 
No matter which side of the door the cat or dog is on, it's the wrong side.

Frothingham's Corollary: 
The mountain looks closer than it is.

Frothingham's Fourth Law:
Urgency varies inversely with importance.

Freivald's Law:
Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.

Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:
  If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is damned near zero.

Farmer's Credo:
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night, then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

Feinberg's Second Principle:
Memory serves its own master.

Finman's Principle: 
The one you want is never the one on sale.

Farnsdick's corollary:
  After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.

Gold's Law:
  If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Goldwyn's Law of Contracts.
  A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.

Gallois' Revelation:
  If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out
but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a
very expensive machine, is somehow enobled, and no one dares
to criticize it.

Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom:
  Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.

Gumperson's Law: 
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.

Gravity doesn`t exist: the earth sucks.

Greer's Third Law: 
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.

Grossman's Misquote:
  Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

Goebel's Law of Rush Hour Traffic: 
What speeds up, must slow down.  But who says it's ever gonna speed up?

Gibb's Law:
  Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.

Gerrold's Fundamental Truth:
 It's a good thing money can't buy happiness.We couldn't stand the commercials.

Gerrold's Pronouncement:
  The difference between a politician and a snail is
that a snail leaves its slime behind.

Grossman's Lemma:
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.

Hawkin's Theory of Progress:
  Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong
with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is
wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.

Hadley's Law of Clothing: 
If you like it, they don't have it in your size.

Hane's Law: 
There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Horngren's Observation: (generalized)
  The real world is a special case.

Harrison's Postulate:
  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Hellrung's Law:
  If you wait, it will go away.

Heisenberg's Principle:
You may know where the Stock Market is going, but not after that.

Hoffer's Law: 
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

Harrison's Postulate:
  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Hartley's Second Law: 
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Hane's Law: 
There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Howe's Law: 
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.

Hoare's Law: 
Inside every large problem is a small problem trying to get out.

Howden's Law:
You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox.

Hanggi's Law:
The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and
agree.

Harper's Magazine Law:
You never find an article until you replace it.

Hanlon's Razor: 
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Hamilton's glass cleaning law: 
The spot you are scrubbing is always on the other side.

Harver's Law:
  A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.

Hoffstedt's Employment Principle:
Confusion creates jobs.

Hartley's Second Law:
  Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.

Hershiser's First Rule: 
Anything NEW and/or IMPROVED, isnt.

Hershiser's Second Rule: 
The Lable NEW and/or IMPROVED means the price went up.

Horngren's Observation: (generalized)
  The real world is a special case.

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1.  If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
2.  If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3.  If it doesn't work, it's physics.

If it looks easy, it's tough...
If it looks tough, it's impossible.

If you're early, it's cancelled, if you're on time,
it's late, if you're late, you're late.

If there are only two shows on TV worth watching this week,
they will be on at the same time.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.

Internal consistency is more highly valued than efficiency.

It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

I ain`t broke, but I`m badly bent.

If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.

It works better if you plug it in.

Interchangable devices won`t.

 In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters,
it's how much you save.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
maybe you just don't understand the situation.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will.

If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.

If it jams, force it.... If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

If you do something which you are sure will meet with
everybody's approval, somebody won't like it.

Jensen's Law:
Win or lose, you lose.

Jacquin's Postulate:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe when legislature is in session.

Jacob's Law: 
To err is human - to blame it on someone else is even more human.

Jones's Motto: 
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Jargon is used as a means of succeeding by not simplifying.

Jacquin's Postulate:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe when legislature is in session.

Jones' Principle:
  Needs are a function of what other people have.

Jones' Law of TV:
The only new show worth watching will be cancelled.

Jones' Law of TV: 
The show you've been looking forward to all week will be preempted.

Kitman's Law:
Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.

Katz's Law: Men and nations will act rationally
when all other possibilities have been exhausted.

Kovac's conundrum: 
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Kohn's Corollary:
Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Korman's conclusion:
  The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.

Katz's Law:
  Men and women will act rationally when all
 other possibilities have been exhausted.

Ken's Law:
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.

Knight's Law:
  Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.

Krueger's Observation:
  A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil
service exam in order to work for the government.

Klipstein's Lament:
  All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

Klipstein's Observation:
  Any product cut to length will be too short.

Klipstein's Engineering Law: 
Dimensions will always be in the wrong units, such as furlongs per fortnight.

Lewis' Law:
  People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.

Law of Tests: 80% of the final will be on the one 
lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.

Law of Tests: 
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Law of Revelation:
  The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

Lewis' Law:
  People will buy anything that's one to a customer.

Law of Reruns:
  If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch
it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Levy's Ninth Law:
Only God can make a random selection.

Lefty Gomez's Law: 
If you don't throw it, they can't hit it.

Langin's Law:
  If things were left to chance, they'd be better.

Law of Tests: When reviewing your notes before an 
exam, the most important ones will be illegible.

Lynch's Law:
When the going gets tough...everyone leaves.

Las Vegas Law:
Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is bound to change.

Law of Supermarkets:
The quality of the house brand varies inversely with the size of
the supermarket chain.

Leo Rogers' Commentary: 
If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing.

Law of Computer programming: 
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.

Law of Computer programming:
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Law of Computer programming: 
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

Law of Computer programming:
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the maintainer.

Lynch's Law:
  When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

Law of Research:
  Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Lyall's Conjecture:
  If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.

Lyall's Fundamental Observation:
  The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.

Lowe's Law:
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.

Law of Revelation:
  The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

Langsam's Law:
  Everything depends.

Law of Computer programming: 
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

Law of Construction: 
Cut it large and kick it into place.

Lavia's Law of Tennis:
A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or her opposition.

Law of the Kitchen: 
You're always complimented on the item that took the least effort to prepare.

Law of the Office:
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

Law of the Search: The first place to look for 
something is the last place you'd expect to find it.

Let him who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Lieberman's Law: 
Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

Lee's Law: 
In dealing with a body of people, the people will be more tacky than expected.

Lord Balfour's Contention: 
Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.

Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.


Murphy's Law:
If anything can go wrong, it will.

Murphy's Flu Philosophy: 
Even water tastes bad when taken on doctor's orders.

Murphy's Philosophy: 
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

Murphy's Flu Law:
If you seem to be getting better, it's your doctor getting worse.

Murphy's First Corollary:
Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Murphy's Second Corollary:
Everything takes longer than you think.

Murphy's Sixth Corollary:
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.

Murphy's Seventh Corollary: 
Every solution breeds new problems.

Murphy's Eighth Corollary:
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Murphy's Tenth Corollary:
Mother Nature is a bitch.

Murphy's Law of Research:
Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Murphy's Flu Philosophy: 
Just because your doctor has a name for it doesn't mean he knows what it is.

Murphy's Constant:
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.

Murphy's Observation:
When it rains, it pours.

Murphy's Government Law: 
If anything can go wrong, it will do so in triplicate.

Murphy's Military Laws:
1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.

Murphy's Military Laws:
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

Murphy's Military Laws:
3. Friendly fire ain't.

Murphy's Saving Grace:
The worst is enemy of the bad.

Murphy's Comment on the Origin of Murphy's Law:
Murphy's Law was not propounded by Murphy, but by another man of
the same name.

Murphy's Uncertainty Principle:
You can know something has gone wrong only when you make an odd
number of mistakes.

McGowan's Axiom: 
If a Christmas gift is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.

Merkin's Maxim:
When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue.

Mencken's Metalaw:
  For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution;
and it is always wrong.

Miles' Rule: 
Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Maier's Law:
  If the facts do not conform to the theory,
they must be disposed of.

Mark's mark:
  Love is a matter of chemistry;
  sex is a matter of physics.

Maugham's Thought:
  Only a mediocre person is always at his best.

Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.

Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.

Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life

Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.

Matsch's Law:
It's better to have a horrible ending that to have horrors without end

Maier's Law: 
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.

MacDonald's Second Law:
  Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for
a number and give it back to them.

Murray's Rule of Football: 
Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by firing the coach.

Miller's Law: 
Exceptions prove the rule - and wreck the budget.

Mayne's Law:
Nobody notices the big errors.

McClellan's Law of Cognition:
Only new categories escape the stereotyped
thinking associated with old abstractions.

Munder's Theorem:
For every "10" there are 10 "1's."

Mae West's Observation:
To err is human, but it feels divine.

McClaughry's Law of Zoning:
Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly.
Where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down.

McGee's First Law:
It's amazing how long it takes to complete something you are not working on.

McClellan's Law of Cognition:
Only new categories escape the stereotyped thinking associated
with old abstractions.

Meissner's Law:
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.

Manubay's First Law for Programmers:
If a programmer's modification of an existing program works, it's
probably not what the users want.

Moser's Law of Sports:
 Exciting plays only occur when you're watching
 the scoreboard or buying a hot dog.

Muir's Law: 
When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to the universe.

Murray's Rule of Baseball:
Whatever can go to New York, will.

MacDonald's Second Law:
  Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for
a number and give it back to them.

Matilda's Sub-Committee Law:
If you leave the room, you're elected.

Matz's Maxim: 
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Matz's warning:
  Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.

Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.

Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

Newton's Seventh Law: 
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

No matter how hard you shop for an item, 
after you bought it, you will find it on sale.

No matter what goes wrong,
there is always somebody who knew it would.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Never try to outstubborn a cat.

No matter how well you do your job, a superior will seek to modify the results.

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

Osborn's Law: 
Variables won't, constants aren't.

O'Reilly's Spring Cleaning Law: 
Cleanliness is next to impossible.

O'Toole's Axiom: 
One child is not enough, but two are far too many.

Old and Kahn's Law:
The efficiency of a committee meeting is inversely proportional to the number
of participants and the time spent on deliberations.

Olivers's Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

O'Brien's Law:
Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.

Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.

Organization is the enemy of improvisation.

On a clear disk you can seek forever.

O'Toole's commentary: 
Murphy was an optimist.

Perkin's postulate:
  The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time and
all some of the time but you can't fool Mom.

Peter's Placebo:
  An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.

Patton's Law: 
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.

Porkingham's Fishing Philosophy: 
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.

Porkingham's Law:
The time available to go fishing shrinks as fishing season draws near.

Patry's Law: 
If you know something can go wrong and prepare, something else will go wrong.

Peer's Law:
  The solution to the problem changes the problem.

Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
 - H. L. Menchen

Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules:
  Everything costs more and takes longer.

Pantuso's First Law:
The book you spent $10.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.

Paul's Law:
You can't fall off the floor.

Porkingham's Third Law of Sportfishing:
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.

Python's Principle of TV Morality:
There is nothing wrong with sex on the television,
just as long as you don't fall off.

Pros are those who do their jobs well even when they don`t feel like it

Paulsen's Prophesy:
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

Pinto's Law:
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.

Parker's Observation: 
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes right to the bone.

Parkinson's Second Law:
Expenditures rise to meet income.

Pudder's Law:
Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse.

Price's Law: 
If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it.

Professor Block's Motto: 
Forgive and Remember.

Quien mucho abarca poco aprieta. (Grab much, gain little.)

Rev. Chichester's Law:
If the weather is extremely bad or extremely good, attendance will be down.

Rule of Defactualization: 
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.

Rule of the Open Mind:
People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worst.

Ralph's Observation:
  It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object
  to realize that you are in a hurry.

Ron's Observation for Teens: 
The pimples don't appear until the hour before the date.

Rule of Accuracy:
  When working towards the solution of a problem, it always
helps if you know the answer.

Rudnicki's Rule:
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.

Relativity For Children:
Time moves slower in a fast moving vehicle.

Richard's Complementary Rules of Ownership:
  1.  If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
  2.  If you throw it away, you will need it the next day.

Rosenfield's Regret:
  The most delicate component will be dropped.

Running a business is about 95% people and 5% economics.

Rush's Rule of Gravity:
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall
nearby while all other coins will roll out of sight.

Roger's Law: As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee,
the airliner encounters turbulence.

Rune's Rule: 
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Reynold's Law of Climatology: 
Wind velocity increases directly with the cost of the hairdo.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction:
  It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Scott's First Law: 
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and 
corrected, it will be found to be correct originally.

Sattinger's Law: 
It works better if you plug it in.

Schrank's First Law:
If it doesn't work, expand it.

Segal's Law:
  A man with a watch knows what time it is.
  A man with two watches is never sure.

Skoff's Law: 
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

Sevareid's Law:
  The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Scott's Law of Business:
Never walk down a hallway in an office building without a piece
of paper in your hand.

Simon's Law: 
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.

Shaw's Principle: 
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

Sevareid's Law:
  The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Some men are discovered; others are found out.

Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

Spend sufficient time confirming the need and the need will disappear.

Shirley's law:
Most people deserve each other.

Second Law of Applied Confusion:
Truck deliveries that normally take one day will
take five when you are waiting for the truck.

Segal's Law:
  A man with a watch knows what time it is.
  A man with two watches is never sure.

Schmidt's Observation:
  All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.

Skoff's Law:
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

Second Law of Photography:
The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap.

Sandiland's Law:
Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.

Stenderup's Law: 
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

Spark's First Rule: 
Strive to look tremendously important.

Seay's Law: 
Nothing ever comes out as planned.

Seit's Law of Higher Education:
The one course you need for graduation is not offered your last semester.

Sueker's Note:
  If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.

Student's Law: 
Every instructor assumes you have nothing to do but study for his course.

Steele's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something...I believe I'll have another drink.

The one time of the day you lean back and relax is 
the one time of the day the boss walks throught the office.

The telephone will ring when you are outside
the door fumbling for your keys.

The slowest checker is always at the quick check-out lane.

The ultimate Law:
  All general statements are false.

Tillis' Organization Principle:
If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it.
If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is.

Thompson's Theorem:
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

The Pineapple Principle:
The best parts of anything are always impossible to remove from the worst parts.

Thom's Law of Marital Bliss:
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional
to the amount spent on the wedding.

The Roman Rule:
The one who says it cannot be done should
never interrupt the one who is doing it.

The Chi Factor:
Quantity = Quality; or, quantity is inversely proportional to quality.

Thoreau's Law:
  If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention
of doing you good, you should run for your life.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

The Sausage Principle:
  People who love sausage and respect the law
should never watch either one being made.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

The first Myth of Management:
  It exists.

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.

The Unspeakable Law:
  As soon as you mention something;
  if it is good, it goes away.
  if it is bad, it happens.

Third Workshop Principle:
Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.

The Whispered Rule:
  People will believe anything if you whisper it.

The First Law of Wing Walking:
  Never let hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.

Tood's First Law:
No matter what they're telling you, it's not the whole truth.

The ultimate Law:
  All general statements are false.

The Golden Rule:
  He who has the gold, makes the rules.

The Unspeakable Law:
  As soon as you mention something;
  if it is good, it goes away.
  if it is bad, it happens.

The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.

Thiessen's Law of Gastronomy: The hardness of the butter 
is in direct proportion to the softness of the roll.

The pet principle: 
No matter which side of the door the cat or dog is on, it's the wrong side.

Thom's Law of Marital Bliss: 
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the cost of the wedding.

The Arithmetic of Cooperation:
  When you're adding up committees
    there's a useful rule of thumb:
  that talents make a difference,
    and follies make a sum.
               Piet Hein

The Ultimate Wisdom
  Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection
in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection.
               Piet Hein

The General Law: 
The chaos in the universe always increases.

There is nothing so simple that it can't be done wrong.

Todd's Political Principle:
No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about money.

Thom's Law of Marital Bliss: 
The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the cost of the wedding.

There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportion.

Telesco's Nursing Law:
All the IV's are at the other end of the Hall.

The Pace of Progress: Society is a mule, not a car...
...if pressed too hard, it will throw off its rider.

The client who pays the least complains the most.

TANSTAAFL: 
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.

The Poker Principle:
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone he can blame it on.

Thoreau's Law:
  If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention
of doing you good, you should run for your life.

The Pace of Progress: Society is a mule, not a car...
...if pressed too hard, it will throw off its rider.

The Army Axiom:
Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.

The Watergate Principle:
Government corruption will always be reported in the past tense.

There's little worse than being peerless in a peer-review system.

The Seven Ps:
Proper Prior Preparation Prevents Piss-Poor Performance

Tom Robbins says...If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 

Thoreau says...Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.

That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all.

The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone he can blame it on.

Truman's Law:
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

The Unspeakable Law:
  As soon as you mention something;
  if it is good, it goes away.
  if it is bad, it happens.

Tenenbaum's Law of Replicability:
The most interesting results happen only once.

The Whispered Rule:
  People will believe anything if you whisper it.

The First Law of Wing Walking:
  Never let hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

The Sausage Principle:
  People who love sausage and respect the law
should never watch either one being made.

Vique's Law:
  A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

Voltaire's Law:
There is nothing more respectable than an ancient evil.

Van Herpen's Law:
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.

Variables won`t; constants aren`t.

Voltaire says...Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

Vile's Second Law of Linesmanship:
When you're waiting in a long line, the people behind you are
shunted to a new, short line.

Vile's Sixth Law of Linesmanship:
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.

Vile's Law of Roadsmanship:
Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else's.

Worker's Law:
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.

Weber's Definition: An expert is one who knows more and more
about less and less until he knows nothing at all.

Weiner's Law of Libraries: 
There are no answers, only cross-references.

When you finally see light at the end of the tunnel, 
it will probably be a train coming toward you.

Wiler's Law: 
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

Wethern's Law: 
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.

When you finally see light at the end of the tunnel, 
it will probably be a train coming toward you.

When all else fails, read the documentation!

When in darkness or in doubt, Run in circles, scream and shout.

When your work speaks for itself, don`t interrupt.

When the plane you're on is on time, your connecting flight is late.

Witten's Law:
  Whenever you cut your fingernails,
you will find a need for them an hour later.

Wiker's Law:
  Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

Willoughby's Law:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Weiler's Law:
 Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.

Wright's First Law of Quality:
Quality is inversely proportional to the
time left for completion of the project.

Weinberg's Second Law:
  If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.

Woltman's Law:
  Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Whistler's Law:
You never know who's right, but you always know who's in charge.

Wallace's Observation: 
Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment.

Waldrop's Principle:
The person not here is the one working on the problem.

Wagner's Law of Sports Coverage:
When the camera isolates on a male athlete, he will spit, pick or scratch.

Walter's Law of Politics: 
A fool and his money are soon elected.

Wright's Law:
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect
can only advise his client to plant vines.

Woodside's Grocery Principle:
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.

When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great
many friends. They never forgive the loss of their perogative.
               H. L. Mencken

Wyszowski's Law:
  No experiment is reproducible.

Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country,
it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it.
               H. L. Menchen

Wagner's Law of Sports TV: When the camera isolates on a male 
athlete, he will either spit, pick or scratch.

What you don't do is always more important than what you do.

You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.

  You can lead a man to slaughter,
but you can't make him think.

  You can't fight the law of conservation of energy
but you sure can bargain with it.

You can tune a piano, but you can`t tuna fish.

Young's Law: 
All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Young's Second Law:
It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.

You can lead a horse to water; 
get him to float on his back & you`ve got something.

Young's Principle of Individuality: 
Everybody wants to peel their own banana.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

Zymurgy's Labor Law:
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics:
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.

Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.


It is hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran
him over."   - Another true accident report.

BAXTER'S FIRST LAW: Government intervention in the free market always
                    leads to a lower national standard of living.

I know engineers.  They love to change things. - Dr. McCoy

     _O_/
    / O     Hang Ten!
     / \    SURF'S UP!
____/__/____.

"There are two things I dislike in a person - absentmindedness and... and...
. . . I can't remember the other one."

"I may be schizophrenic, but at least I'll always have each other."

If it ain't broke....don't fix it!

"Lead, follow, or get the Hell out of the way!"

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic,
and so am I.

I live in my own little world... but that's okay. I know everyone there.

Boss - "You are twenty minutes late again. Don't you know what time we start
        work at this office?"
New Employee - "No, they're always at it when I get here!"

"Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself." --Bits & Pieces

Why was time invented you ask? So that everything wouldn't happen all at once!

  "He who hesitates is lost."
                 --Unattributed -

 If at first you don't succeed, go back and read the instructions!
